Oh the questions!

'I've had questions, without answers
I've known sorrow, I have known pain
But there's one thing, that I'll cling to
You are faithful, Jesus you're true' - Tim Hughes


Well, I can't actually think what has happened over the last month and a half so I'll just go with the most recent events that I can think of.

Last four weeks have been rather exciting, with several trips back to Luton to see new house and work and friends. All happy and moved in. Stuff is gradually accumulating in new house and making it feel homely has so far been my job. Hopefully it'll not be my job in September. I have been there quite a lot attending work and a wedding. Actually have had a really great time being away from the homestead and being Miss independent. Seen a lot of people I never expected to see. Always a good surprise.

One particular event I feel the need to mention was the celebration of my 20th birthday. Spent the morning in Church and the afternoon having a small lunch with 9 friends/people I'm just getting to know (this is not through any fault of my own, our uni holiday dates don't often match up). It was really great. Being away from home and celebrating in a way that shows that I can be adult about birthdays (although I did get rather over excited at getting a coffee machine, addiction here we come, it was the person who gave it to me and the thought that drove me over the edge!). Spending time with those 9 people meant so much to me, they wanted to come and they made the effort to say happy birthday in the morning. It could have been more if I was more organised. Coming home on the same day showed me the contrasts of the two worlds (oh its got a lot bigger than counties in the last few months) that I live in.

Having childish banter constantly, which I have become very reactive too and can no longer hold my own against, is hard. I can't help but fall in to the trap that it creates and always come out the losing party. I can successfully fight my way when the people are my own age, but this just comes across as a 'holier than thou' attitude with my siblings. Take for example my 17 year old brother pouring beer in to my orange juice under my nose, yes it's funny, but it also tastes foul. I failed to see the funny side and refused to drink the juice, Dad offered to get me a pint of water. Couldn't really talk to any one after that, felt like I was gonna explode. Also immediately wanted to be back in Luton. I'm ok now, just wish that Luton mentality can follow me around just a little bit.

That is when I don't follow Luton around. Met boy at a Christian festival in London and was happy to see him for 10 mins. When we eventually spoke he guessed my chosen vocation, which scared me a little. I then had a rational thought about it and I was ok. Found out he's in my network (housegroup/cell) in September and again freaked, the final thing is that he's living next door to me as of the end of August and that pushed me in to strange 'looking into the distance' mode. Had to break out of it on every occasion and spent a large amount of time praying about how I'm gonna cope. But then realised it was fine and God will be there for me as will my many friends, even those who have no clue what's going on (hopefully this includes boy, but I know from past experience that I'm not gonna look to him for advice).

Just had a really massive chat with my Dad and have realised that I do live in two separate places and can deal with both on the same day, just have to remember how to deal with them. Its not helpful that now I have spoken to him I have no clearer idea as to what he thinks of boy and whether it would actually be worth my while to find out an opinion. Probably not,seeing as they've never met and won't do until I introduce them (something that isn't in the near future). Talked about all the 'what ifs...?' that go around in your head when you realise that you like some one. You know what, I've never had this many, I would write them but you'd e bored really easily and I think you've probably been through them as well.

Another thing that has happened which you may find shocking, is the accusation that my brother (17) committed rape a week ago. This is the boy with a spotless reputation with girls and when he wants to be, he can be a real gentleman (the other times he acts well below his age and does silly things). The whole family were really stunned, as were the church. Thank God for both Church families I'm part of. I love them both, for what they did on the day and the support they offered. My little brother is without a doubt innocent and the DNA can prove that, but we still have a tense wait until the case is dropped. Make what you will of the 16 year old girl that accused him. I am not one to judge and all I can pray is that some of Jesus' compassion for the poor (spiritually) can pour from our family on to her.


'What can we say to describe just a glimpse of Your Glory
How can our words portray but a thread of Your Majesty
But still we praise our Savior in Spirit and in Truth
For we cannot say enough about You' - MercyMe

A song that really struck a cord with me and has kept me going.

Essex!!

Just a quickie, as I have managed to fill another day with nothing! It's already the 3rd day back in Essex for a 3 month holiday as such, and my unpacking is 1/3 done. Yes just one third. I have done nothing for 3 days except see friends and shop. I'm looking after the boys again, parents are on holiday. Seriously these children are so spoilt they don't know whats hit them when I come home. My little brothers are nightmares.

I'm going back to Luton for a training day tomorrow I'm so happy. I get to drive, which I love and I see all my friends for dinner. It's gonna be so much fun. The boy will hopefully be there. We're still friends, I'm still confused, we're just bouncing along really.

Been chatting to an old mate recently. My confidence in being single has risen again. I'm great where I am and there's nothing you can do about it!!

Love

Yeah, well I'm still in Essex, spending some time doing an essay that's due in too soon. I have a question, something that I have been meaning to ask you for a while. What happens when you fall in love with some one who you couldn't possibly live with? I know, its a really weird question isn't it. I'm glad that some one invented the question mark, there'd be so much confusion with out it, I mean we'd all have to make statements instead of questions. Ok, was gonna put the example of what would happen if you asked some one to marry you, but that would be exploring the inner (and sometimes quite obvious) workings of my mind, and being a psychologist I don't really wanna go there!

So back to that terribly important question, what happens when you fall in love with some one who you couldn't possibly live with? Truth is, I don't know, I was hoping you'd come up with something helpful. I think it would help if I had a moment of realisation that I couldn't fall for this person and then maybe I'd snap out of the stupid daydreams that mean my essay is 100 words shorter than I'd like it to be. I was typing last night and for some reason the word lonely came up on screen. Did my unconscious suddenly kick in and make me sit up to reality. It was one of those 'smelling the coffee' moments. The person I hope I'm not falling for I happen to be totally comfortable with, in the way we act and the way we speak. We can talk about who he fancies (yes, she's really nice and no, I'm not jealous, if I was my whole world would fall apart) and who I fancy (no not him, we can't do that, not after the previous problems someone else had with that situation : word of advice : don't tell a guy you love him in code, men aren't as stupid as they look!) whilst hugging and leaning on each other. It great to have that person there, but if any one was watching us, and believe me they do, you would think a whole other thing. Which non-couple do you know read the paper together? See, easily mis-interpreted. Some of this stuff I think I'm gonna have to take off paper and put into words to some one else. Not him, or maybe... its the 'will it, won't it be helpful' dilemma!Probably not right now & probably not while the relationship is still growing into what it could be. I think I'll sit back and enjoy the comfort I've found. I'll let him sing to me, but there is no way he's gonna get me playing that guitar!

there's some one else who is on my mind at the moment. A very ex-boyfriend who can't seem to stay on track. Lord knows how hard we've all tried. I know God has him in his hands and he'll not be able to escape, but I'd like to see some fruits to the labour. I'm not gonna get in touch, but I really am gonna try and stay in touch. We'll see, eh? Lots of praying to be done.

Working Holidays

Wahey, not only have I been to and from Luton in the last couple of weeks, but I have also had both Luton and Essex follow me to my working holiday in Skegness, of all places. Yep this year I had my first leadership trip to Spring Harvest (for more details look at Spring Harvest). Watch 11-13's grow in Christ over a week is the most intense thing. The spiritual warfare is so great by the 3rd night we really spent most of our time praying. It was hard to grasp the idea that these children could be the next Church leaders and we had helped sow that seed. The team was amazing and I'm really grateful to everyone who prayer for me and helped out.

As I said, Luton followed me there too. In the shape of some YFC empolyees. I spent most of my free time with one particular one and got to know them really well. I'm gonna miss doing what we did. Its nothing sordid or wrong, but something that you'd definitely miss. I keep thinking about what'll happen when I go back to Luton in a weeks time, hopefully nothing will have changed. I'm just praying that my friendship with this person won't go sour, like it has done with some one else I know.

Hard work

Well, I'm back in rainy old Luton again. I'm glad to be here really. I've done most of my work and I just need to hand it in and do a presentation.

I can't really believe I've only a week and a half til Easter, it seemed so far off but now I'm making arrangements to move back to Essex for 3 weeks and see every one. Something, as you can tell, I'm not looking forward to. I'm really gonna miss Luton and all the people, although a couple of the most important are following me when I go on a Youth work Holiday, and my bestest mate is coming to see me, but don't tell my parents as I haven't asked them yet!! So Luton, much like Essex really is evert where!

Argh!!

Argh!!! So I traveled all the way home to Essex, being the good daughter, to babysit my little brothers and there is no way I can be a mother. They just completely ignored me and expected me to do something close to being their slave. I dunno how my mother copes. The second I got in after a hour and a half drive, the littlest one wanted a lift to his girlfriends and picking up. I know that everyone says this, but I will never let my kids run over me like that. It is totally possible to balance discipline and Love, God does it everyday. Ok, so he is God, and we're all only human, but if you love someone surly that's what you'd do.

Well, I'm back in Essex for the weekend and already madly missing Luton and the things in it, especially the people. It's so hard to realise that there is actually a life outside your own, and it moves on regardless of you most of the time. I miss the Luton people so much right now because I'm so close to them. I can't ever have imagined staying in the same place for the whole of my life, I'd be missing so many opportunities. I'm so happy that I'm missing everyone, as weird as it sounds. God put me in Luton with out a shadow of a doubt and I can be happy I'm missing it because of that. I know I'll be right back in the thick of it in a couple of days time, I just have to see the Essex people first.

I have to tell you the last week has been absolutely amazing, I've really grown close to a couple of people, but it feels so strange to have those people interested in me because of me, and not the other way round, or with ulterior motives. I love it so much. Praise God for all he has done in my life and all the lives surrounding me.

Yeay!

Ha ha!! I'm on, can you believe it? Well, I think that I'll won't mind if this gets seen, but hey you never know. There will always be some one who is reading over your shoulder, especially if your only Internet access is from the uni you moved to just 18 months ago. Which really explains the title of this. I moved from Essex to bedfordshire and I now know the similarities and differences of the world at large. Most people would suggest that both places are rubbish and they don't out weigh each other on the rubbish scale, but I, of course would have to disagree. I love both places with all my heart. The Essex in me cries out that my current place, (oh, I'll give it away, seeing as you'll guess anyway) Luton, isn't all that bad and in many cases it can be better than Essex. My job means that I promote my Uni, and I find myself being openly honest about what I really think. Luton and Essex are really excellent. I know loads of people in both places and I wouldn't exchange the time I've had for the world. Well thats the start... where will it finish?