Saturday, July 31, 2004

Oh the questions!

'I've had questions, without answers
I've known sorrow, I have known pain
But there's one thing, that I'll cling to
You are faithful, Jesus you're true' - Tim Hughes

Well, I can't actually think what has happened over the last month and a half so I'll just go with the most recent events that I can think of.

Last four weeks have been rather exciting, with several trips back to Luton to see new house and work and friends. All happy and moved in. Stuff is gradually accumulating in new house and making it feel homely has so far been my job. Hopefully it'll not be my job in September. I have been there quite a lot attending work and a wedding. Actually have had a really great time being away from the homestead and being Miss independent. Seen a lot of people I never expected to see. Always a good surprise.

One particular event I feel the need to mention was the celebration of my 20th birthday. Spent the morning in Church and the afternoon having a small lunch with 9 friends/people I'm just getting to know (this is not through any fault of my own, our uni holiday dates don't often match up). It was really great. Being away from home and celebrating in a way that shows that I can be adult about birthdays (although I did get rather over excited at getting a coffee machine, addiction here we come, it was the person who gave it to me and the thought that drove me over the edge!). Spending time with those 9 people meant so much to me, they wanted to come and they made the effort to say happy birthday in the morning. It could have been more if I was more organised. Coming home on the same day showed me the contrasts of the two worlds (oh its got a lot bigger than counties in the last few months) that I live in.

Having childish banter constantly, which I have become very reactive too and can no longer hold my own against, is hard. I can't help but fall in to the trap that it creates and always come out the losing party. I can successfully fight my way when the people are my own age, but this just comes across as a 'holier than thou' attitude with my siblings. Take for example my 17 year old brother pouring beer in to my orange juice under my nose, yes it's funny, but it also tastes foul. I failed to see the funny side and refused to drink the juice, Dad offered to get me a pint of water. Couldn't really talk to any one after that, felt like I was gonna explode. Also immediately wanted to be back in Luton. I'm ok now, just wish that Luton mentality can follow me around just a little bit.

That is when I don't follow Luton around. Met boy at a Christian festival in London and was happy to see him for 10 mins. When we eventually spoke he guessed my chosen vocation, which scared me a little. I then had a rational thought about it and I was ok. Found out he's in my network (housegroup/cell) in September and again freaked, the final thing is that he's living next door to me as of the end of August and that pushed me in to strange 'looking into the distance' mode. Had to break out of it on every occasion and spent a large amount of time praying about how I'm gonna cope. But then realised it was fine and God will be there for me as will my many friends, even those who have no clue what's going on (hopefully this includes boy, but I know from past experience that I'm not gonna look to him for advice).

Just had a really massive chat with my Dad and have realised that I do live in two separate places and can deal with both on the same day, just have to remember how to deal with them. Its not helpful that now I have spoken to him I have no clearer idea as to what he thinks of boy and whether it would actually be worth my while to find out an opinion. Probably not,seeing as they've never met and won't do until I introduce them (something that isn't in the near future). Talked about all the 'what ifs...?' that go around in your head when you realise that you like some one. You know what, I've never had this many, I would write them but you'd e bored really easily and I think you've probably been through them as well.

Another thing that has happened which you may find shocking, is the accusation that my brother (17) committed rape a week ago. This is the boy with a spotless reputation with girls and when he wants to be, he can be a real gentleman (the other times he acts well below his age and does silly things). The whole family were really stunned, as were the church. Thank God for both Church families I'm part of. I love them both, for what they did on the day and the support they offered. My little brother is without a doubt innocent and the DNA can prove that, but we still have a tense wait until the case is dropped. Make what you will of the 16 year old girl that accused him. I am not one to judge and all I can pray is that some of Jesus' compassion for the poor (spiritually) can pour from our family on to her.

'What can we say to describe just a glimpse of Your Glory
How can our words portray but a thread of Your Majesty
But still we praise our Savior in Spirit and in Truth
For we cannot say enough about You' - MercyMe

A song that really struck a cord with me and has kept me going.