Saturday, October 30, 2004

What A Difference A Day Makes

Just 24 hours ago I was probably on a tube somewhere in the middle of London.

I loved the tube chase by all accounts. We had a few incidents and a minor disagreement about the most expensive thing in Harrods, but all round the girls in my group were pretty happy to indulge in my need to look at beautiful dresses, my slight competitive streak and my photography of random things.

What they didn't like was London speed. We got to 4 of the 5 stops and made it back with 10 mins to spare (always on time!). The reason we only did 4 stops is the speed we traveled at. I'm quite happy to walk fast around London, its a matter of keeping up with the crowds, but yesterday's crowds were all tourists and 1/2 term parents. Stopping in the middle of a path to 'aww' at big ben doesn't really make me any less stressed. Stop at the side of the path, not in my way (not that I don't like tourists, but living so close to London makes me see it as just a town).

So we came 3rd, Charlies group (the person who wrote the quiz) came 1st. I think you may all want to join me in a chorus of 'FIX'!

Then standing on the station, ready to go, I got a phone call from home.

Thinking I was going to be asked a question I was all cheery. Then my Mum told me that my Granddad is ill and has to have treatment.

What a difference a day makes....

I switched off, Charlie was trying to tell my something about the trains and I totally missed everything. I couldn't grasp it. So I changed in to 'up beat and happy' youth worker and got people on trains, knowing full well that sadness turns in to anger.

In the end I channeled my self and stood waiting to see Chris and her group on to the train. The last boys group were late, we left with out them.

I've cried, I've cried lots.

I'm just about to head off to a park and enjoy the light, before the darkest night of the year.

Wednesday, October 27, 2004


Blergh! Stuck in a rut. Blergh!

Don't know what to do or how to get out of my sistuation. Doing alot of praying right now.

Seem to be constantly aware of who I talk to and where I go.

It was definitely alot easier for early christians to evangelise!

Help me God! Whatever I need to do, wherever I need to go, send me there. I don't want to be stuck.

Monday, October 25, 2004

Oh Ok...

Wow, its been a weird day. I cried this mornig over a picture. Someone left a picture in my diary of Jesus holding me as a small child. I just cried for a few mintues before making my way to start my day. The whole of the last weekend has been great. I've spent so much time with my friends. It was really wonderful. The tears were relief maybe, or just an acknowledgement that I can't do everything by myself and I need to find time to relax. I have to realise this over and over again, I'm sure I'll learn eventually!

I've had Psalm 145 v 8 going around in my head for several weeks and I had to ask for clarity (So "Gotta Get Thru This" is playing!) as to what it means for my life. There was too much going on in my head today and I couldn't even describe it to the chaplain.

I've had to decline a shopping trip to MK because I have two presentations to write and not enough time. Tragic I know, but I think I'm still working off the last 3 (intentional) shopping trips.

Many people noticed the change in my personality today because I'm having a hard time with the amount of complaining I do.

The Bible calls us to live our lives without complaining. But it's become a bad habit. I open my mouth and I tend to complain. I can talk up alot of stuff, but I find it hard to be positive without the negative coming out too.

I've got a case of "it's great but..." There are several things in my life I can't complain about but still manage to find something to say!.

I have a roof over my head, I live with 3 great friends, loads of people who care about me and value me, my family and food (pretty much an endless supply of biscuits and hot chocolate at least). God has provided so well for me and at the moment I find myself focussed on short term goals.

Again I recall Psalm 145 v 8 "The LORD is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love". I'm working through what it means, but right now I can see that God has given me what I need because he love me. He provides richly and I should respond in a way that is more like him. I should aim to be gracious and compassionate in all I do.

"Slow to anger" reminds me of how I feel about my family right now and how I feel about my house. I'm annoyed at the littlest things and there is really no need. My little brother is away right now and all I can really do is wait and pray for him. I would like him to go into a worship ministry, but I think he has other plans. I need to encourage him to open the door.

I've also been challenged about having all the answers, and how I actually don't. Some times the more mature person will own up to not knowing. I have this problem with one person in particular, but now I'v realised I just need to be encouraging that person to find the right path towards the answer. I hope that this week i can put my practical abilities in to action.

I want to grow in God and I think gaining wisdom, and not knowledge, is part of that.

Friday, October 22, 2004

Its the weekend!

Well, it will be once I've done the Youth Justice Lecture.

I'm looking forward to this one. I get to spend some time with the youth tonight. The St Marys Youth is a very mixed bunch, but they are great. Don't think I'd enjoy Luton with out them. I dunno how much running around tonight will involve, but we haven't had a Friday night for a while, so hopefully a lot. I've got a lot of pent up worry that I could do with a bit of escapism!

Then on Saturday I plan to do nothing for the first 18 hours. By which point some girls will start arriving and much to the dismay of the boys in the house the lambrini (Essex!) will come out and we're gonna laugh/cry at Titanic, and admire Romeo. Yeay for a girlie night in.

Followed by a creative worship session in the morning on Sunday. I dunno what Sunday daytime holds yet, but I'm hoping I'll get some quality time with some people or I may just ring my dad and enquire how the car looks (and cry again, maybe).

Just have to make you aware of the people around you. Look around for a mintue next time you are in a shopping centre or the like. I'm in the IT suite at Uni and I'm surrounded but loads of cultures. It's great and I love the mix in Luton. God's creation, and some of them don't even know it. Maybe I shouldn't be just sitting here, but I don't think proclaiming the Gospel whilst standing on a table will go down too well!

Anyway, small up date on dissertation, I've started reading, under the advice that if I do and I'm told that I didn't need to then I can just as easily forget it. There are enough hours in the day to read articles and get a general jist, no need to detail just yet. Still haven't met the supervisior, may talk to the other lady today.

Have a great weekend everyone. Enjoy it while it lasts!

Thursday, October 21, 2004

Working through the pain for the joy

That's the pain of a headache, nothing more, nothing less. I'm being really old at the moment. But that's because I saw Delirious? at Bletchley Leisure Centre last night. And I'd have to say I'm very amazed!

Chris and I managed to be first in the queue, an achievement I think, seeing as we then got to choose our spot on the front row (which was very far away from the loud annoying youth group that insisted on shouting at every opportunity - we were in the queue still in the queue at this point). So there we stood, through Taylor Sorensen (two man band, very impressive even after a string broke) and Rock 'n' Roll Worship Circus (amazing, very stylish), then on come Delirious? Having not really heard much of world service I found it very easy to part-take in the songs. I didn't think I'd ever love the fact that what they write is so catchy! It was great fun and I really felt like I was talking to God.

Then we get to a classic part of any show where the oldies come out. So we had the Happy song, history maker, I could sing... and various others. This is where the worship part of me really kicked in. I loved it. All the time spent just praying to God through the music. History Maker struck a cord with me, I'd never really thought about the promise behind that song until last night. Can I really say 'I'm gonna be a history maker in this land?' or am I just singing because I know the words? I changed them, 'I wanna be a history maker, help me'. We know the score when we make requests to God, he'll answer them. We were asked to name a dream in cell leaders training a week ago, and I said (as a bit of an after thought) that I wanted to make a difference after I graduate. Now I'm gonna ask God to help me be a history maker!

One thing that I most dislike about concerts is the idea that you have to clap after every song. There were no really quiet bits last night, and the over-excited youth group just clapped at everything. I do understand, and they'll grow out of it, I just hope that they grow out of it somewhere far away from me.

Left the lei-sure (Rock 'n' roll worship circus are american, theres not much we can do!) centre, felt really happy and I was really enjoying chatting to the guys from my local church. They had an excellent time and the bus trip home was more hyper-active than the whole night, maybe that's where the headache came from?

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Not doing much.

Not anything in particular, but do you ever get one of those days where you feel like you could be so much more busy than you actually are?

It felt like that today, I still haven't met my dissertation supervisor and I'm rather annoyed that I still can't start working on it. I have no idea how much work I need to do. I think I'll sort that out tonight after I've got in and sorted out my house. I'm quite distressed on the inside thinking about everything I have to do, but on the outside (frustratingly), I'm ok. I'll deal with it later. Have a morning to my self tomorrow, so I'll sort it.

Monday, October 18, 2004


... a word I would use to descibe boys. I found in the last few years that Boys are just as confusing as girls if not more so. I have incredible trouble trying to sort out my own head!

My advice to all the girls out there: (well I'd love to help, but then I'd be an expert and I'm blatantly not). I may be a psychologist at heart, bbut my heart can definitely not deal with boys right now.

I'm in that lovely little space called 'single'. Its great, I'm glad God has put me here for the last couple of years, but what I have discovered is that this doesn't stop the constant talk about love and life. I complained a while ago about people talking about my love life and someone said (very wisely) 'which love life? you don't have one' He had made a very profound point. So I'm back in the space I was a few weeks ago where I have no need to worry about it and although I maybe very confused at the moment I can rest in the knowledge that God is looking after me and all the confusing boys and I no longer need to feel confused.

I think I'll just float in the river for a bit.

Friday, October 15, 2004


Well, here I am on my weekend off. First proper one in 5 weeks. I don't have to do anything this weekend so I've returned to Essex to meet my 6th God-sibling (I dunno if thats the correct terminology). Yes my parents will have 6 God chilren by Sunday afternoon, with their own children and various neices and nephews that makes 17 children they could be parents to (Ok, 5 of them are over 16 and 1 is yet to be born). Still pretty impressive I'd say. To be looked up to as to be the first consideration for God-parents is such and honour. I don't know how I'd react to being asked about being a God-parent, but I guess I have to actually know people who have children before that's ever gonna happen! Whoops I've got to stop thinking about the future in so much detail! Sorry to any one who I've just scared.

Anyway... glossing over that and looking back on a rainy week, I've had a good one. I've tried on many of my outfits this week, as well as leader and organiser, I have been giving advice and calming down arguments. This week has been a bit up and down emotionally (although if you read these then you'll realise that actually I just go through up and downs as part of life). God's really come into my life and helped me over come one fundamental problem that I had at the beginning of the week: I can now worship God through just the words. Its great to mean what you say. (James 5:12)

Just a quick request, if any one knows of a decent lyrics search engine (christian and pretty up to date) can they let me know? Thanks

Thursday, October 14, 2004


So simply titled.

My shoes leak, my jeans are pretending to be a sponge and my bag (oh so helpfully) isn't water proof. I'm wet! Yes its God's creation and yes we need it, but just feeling like it's never ending.

I found out who I'm gonna have as a supervisor and its not as great as I had first imagined, I'm not being over-seen by the youth justice module co-ordinator! Boo!

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

Letting you know...


Feeling in awe of God at the mo. Some times we take God for granted, and then it hits you...
His amazing power and greatness shines through a situation.

I've been spending alot of time in the past few days thinking about my life and how it could or could not progress. Time and time again two wordsds have come up: wisdom and trust. I know that God'll give me wisdom many times through my life, and sometimes only hindsight will give you recognition of that wisdom. But you have to have trusted God before you even get that wisdom.

"'I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" Jeremiah 29:11

I look around and I recognise God in so many of my friends. In their kindness, generosity and the way they use the gifts God has given them (this is a small selection). I can only pray that my relationship with God gets closer everyday and that I start to shine brighter.

Was chatting about feeling underappreciated a few days ago and forgot what a massive priviledge it is to be part of God BIG plan.

Monday, October 11, 2004

I'm forgiven

Have used the same analogy a few times recently and I want you to think about it to.

How do you view Gods love and the cross? Are you a small child who's just received a bar of chocolate and is so excited that they jump up and down? Or are you an adult (and learned person) who views it as 'just another bar of chocolate'?

Heres the challenge: become a child of God.
Be so excited about what the cross did for you, that you can't help sharing it. Engage with God and find the relevence. Its no good thinking God hasn't shown me something recently if you've shut your eyes! We find forgiveness, love and life eternal in Jesus, because he was put on a cross to die for your sin (and mine).

Psalm 103: 11-13
For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;
as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
As a father has compassion on his children,
so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him

These verses mean so much to me, I'm glad and I praise God that my sin is immeasurably far away from me!

Friday, October 08, 2004

Why bother?

Was just thinking about stuff whilst I sat in a cafe eating the best jacket potato in town. I should probably have been working on my dissertation and actually doing some work, but hey, what can you do?

Anyway, the last 24 hours has been eventful. Stuff has happened and I think I should probably stop worrying so much about things I have no control over. Here's my little question for tody: 'Do you worry about the lectures you don't attend, that aren't on your course?'

Simple answer 'NO'. Now you could say that you might worry about them if your friends were involved, but only if. At this university there are more classes a week than I care to count, I don't worry about them at all, only the 4 modules I'm on. So whilst I was sitting drifting away thinking about my life, i was also thinking, should I really be bothered about one particular area of my life that doesn't exist yet. Many of you will have cottoned on that I'm talking about Love. Yes I have love in my life, but I should be more bothered about my parents and family (my little brother chrashed the car again) and my friends. Whats the point in worrying about boys if I'm not actually involoved. as far as the rest of the world is concerned I should be, but Jesus says:

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:34

Yeh I need to concentrate on getting to and listening in my lecture (10mins and 4 flights of stairs away), not who I might be interested in. How selfish am I?

Thursday, October 07, 2004

Here Am I

You lucky people, not only do you get two posts today, you also get some of my insight into my world.

I'm slightly bored now. I would have had 4 hours today, but the lovely lecturer gave us an hour off 'to ease us in'. Cheers mate!

Just been chatting to two very good friends of mine about a certain situation I seem to constantly find myself in nowadays. Again we head back toward the misinterpreting that I do and have had done to me. I'd also like to draw your attention to the current debate that is running around my circle of friends 'Can you tell a member of the opposite sex you love them with out them freaking out?'. Yes people, we are debating about the love that God gives us for our friends and the appropriate ways to share it. Post your thoughts.
Is it a good or a bad thing for boys and girls in Christian circles to say 'I love you' on a regular basis without it being totally freaky. I love my female friends more than ever right now, they support me and can tell when I'm feeling down. Its the same for my male friends, but I have never put on a serious face and said 'I love you'. I fear it because of the ever ambiguous word that Love is.

Oh well. Theres a debate that may only end when we start using greek words for love and not just love.

Back to the current moment. Feeling a little hungry, feeling alot happy. Same job, brother is free (thanks be to the Almighty God and the power of truth, be honest!) and although only 1/2 the day is gone it looks like its gonna be really good. I talked a lot recently about stuggling for the joy. From where I am the only thing I can struggle with is waiting. The joy seems to be taking up a large amount of time at the moment. The waiting (see The BIG decision) is gonna be hard, but now I think God's gonna keep me in Luton I can probably hold on a little bit longer. Somebody said to me I have the rest of my life to do 'stuff', why do I need to rush it all now. The only thing I really have to be urgent about is getting people to believe in God (and doing my dissertation). Too many people NOT going to heaven right now. Had one verse come up a few times:

"He told them, "The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field." Luke 10v2

Think about it!


I was gonna write something really good and objective about how I feel, but considering whats just happened I don't think I can. I'm not gonna let you know, purely because it is on a need to know basis. Don't feel out of touch with my life, but if you hear, you'll hear.

On a good note, my little brother had the charges dropped against him and got a way with a slapped wrist for stealing a car. His first offence, they had to get him on something. He doesn't have a criminal record.

I also found out that I got a job. Definitely for this year, but maybe for the next year too. I think I'm gonna go for it and maybe defer my year out for another year. Any advice would be great. This means I'd be staying in Luton for another year. Believe it or not, I really am excited about it. I do wanna stay. I'll let you know on the progress of my life. I'm off to the Policing lecture.

Have a great day, I don't think it could ever be any more surreal than whats just happened to me.