Ignite

Well, having been back from a week long holiday camp called Ignite, i am totally refreshed and filled with the Holy Spirit to the brim. I can't explain how much God means to me now. I wanna share everyting with everyone!

Over 40 people became Christian's and about 95% of the rest made recommitments to God (thats over 120 people). 23 kids from luton alone all of wich are now on fire for God!This years camp had an amazing maturity about it when it needed too. God moved in that place and in St Marys on the Sunday after. Each leader had learnt something this week and everyone really wants to see everyone again. The bond of a strong family has been created and its known.

I'm praying that God's work is done where thes kids have gone home to. Missing the safe secure world and knowing that I have to work just as hard as the kids to get Jesus' message across. Yeay for high risk youth work.

Ignite Pictures

When, no longer why?

I'm back from my brief trip to Luton for my 4th wedding of this year. It was really good to see everyone again. Turns out I'd made a very good decision to leave when I did, there were two massive crashes on my route inbetween the time where I got to Luton and the time I came back to Billericay. So I had a little bit of extra thinking time whilst in Luton, but as it goes I didn't have anything to do to make me think. I had seen the boy and various other people, but I didn't wanna think about it (it being the future), so instead I danced around my house and took out the rubbish. This took an hour and the traffic had cleared, so I set off back to Essex.

The wedding itself was great. I'd never been to a wedding where the whole congregation was invited to take communion. It had also never occured to me that it may offend some people. The usher looked mighty disappointed when 4 whole rows consecutively decided not to go up. Then it was my rows turn. To say I had been dreading it is a complete lie, I knew that I could walk in my shoes and I knew that I wouldn't trip. I made it to the front, smiled at the new Mr & Mrs and took communion on a Saturday, interesting! I also managed to not look in boy's direction for a great deal of the time. The thing that really worried me was while the pictures were being taken he kept catching my eye. I'm pretty sure he suspects something.

Which leads me on to another Pub conversation that I didn't want to have, in great contrast to last weeks conversation which I had been dying to have. I had to explain the boy to someone. For the first time I went through every last detail of the last 8 months and discovered nothing at all. Something that you may say is unsuccessful, but to the contrary I find it intriguing. I talked for ages about him and I feel really indifferent about everything. Tonight made me realise that I can jazz up the story of my life an awful lot with out any one actually questioning whether its the truth. The world is so corrupt that you can tell one person something and it is likely to get round in a matter of weeks. Obviously this is not true for a large majority of people, but in the company I hold not much stays confidential any more. The indifferent feeling comes from being desensitised by family and unhelpful friends. The girl I told the story to insists that I now do something about my situation, which in fact I'm very happy where I am. I just walked away from the conversation thinking, I know some one who is greater than all this and they will help me deal with it... GOD. He's there for me and he's not pushing me to do anything about this at the moment. I no longer feel a burning need to text or ring him, and I don't need to see him every 10 seconds. He IS my friend above all and I'll see him every 10 days, if I'm lucky. I can't treat him like my boyfriend because he's my brother. God made us both, am I really doing anything to help him by making eyes and passing unhelpful comments? I believe not.

The question that family and friends are asking is now When? When will something happen? With my head screwed on and full of God I'm now asking Why do you need to know?

Post Wedding Number 3 of 2004

Ok, got back from Wedding number 3 a few hours ago, and did I come to some realisation about how I can remedy my situation? No. Did I spend the whole time thinking about the Wedding and the boy? Oh yes! What am I gonna do now. I can hardly concentrate enough to write, let alone hold a conversation with the fittest boy in the congregation. Yes the fittest boy there decided to come and chat to us about life in general and I didn't have the co-ordination to reply to the kiss on the cheek he gave me. Argh!

Anyway, the memory I'll take from this particular wedding is the little kiss the groom gave the bride just after their first kiss as a married couple. He kissed her on the top of her head. Now to those of you who know the psychology of this feel free to 'awww' now. Those who don't, look it up, then 'awww'. This is the third wedding I've been to and that's the sweetest memory, so far. Don't forget there's one tomorrow!

The box

All I can say is, I've put myself in a very tiny box, that exists around me and because of me. My own big mistake is following me around constanly and I can't get out because I'm silly enough to keep the box alive and will everytime I talk about Love.

Thats right, I'm stuck in a Fairy Tale box and the fact that I'm just about to go to two weddings in as many days will do me in! Hopefully I'll go to the first one and have some realisation about whats really going on, but for now, i'll just walk arond in my box.

Thankyou and Goodnight!!

Should I take offence?

Last night was very interesting. For those of you who don't know I spend a large deal of my Monday night in my local, seeing old friends and making deeper friendships with the ones I think I already know. This is only an Essex thing as I got scared off the Luton pub culture by a strange man in a wheel chair blowing kisses at me whilst I stared beyond him to see the boy that blew me off last year. The story is obviously much longer than that and I may choose to indulge myself one day, but there's no point right now. Anyway... back to the pub. Had spent most of the time discussing life as we know it, other peoples problems and solutions. I had dessert again, this isn't a good thing, while I'm in Essex dessert is the thing I disappear into and think of Luton. I always come out the other side thinking about why my ice cream hasn't been eaten. I know the reason, but I know if I share it with my pub companions they'll beat me with a forest, yes its that bad!

Well, not only was last night just that tiny bit different, it was also very enlightening. For some unknown reason (well I came in halfway through the conversation) my half of the table started talking about Christians marrying non-Christians. I only joined in because someone said that no where in the bible did it say Christians should marry Christians and there was no where that it said they shouldn't marry non-Christians. This I know to be untrue, as I happen to have read more than enough relationship books (and I constantly tackle this subject with my conscience and youth group).

The trouble was finding it, and after a large glass of red wine, chocolate cake and a double Tia Maria and coke, it was a little harder than I thought! After searching and giving up to listen to the conversation I re-focused my efforts and there it was 2 Corinthians 6 v14-17. I rudely interrupted the person who had said it didn't exist and read the verses, to a stunned pub audience. After that I spent the rest of the time chatting about infant baptism (don't ask, I've never been entirely sure where I stand on this on) and then back to the question, 'If God gave you a non-Christian to marry would you trust him?' My initial reaction would be yes and my explored reaction would be

'Matthew 7 v10-11 "Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!"'

God knows what I would like and now I don't need to worry because what ever happens God and Jesus are there to guide me and the Holy Spirit gives me words to say. If this question had caused me offence I would have said something, but it wasn't, something entirely different happened after.

At home I was really expecting to carry on the conversation with my sister and when I asked her why she didn't take part in the conversation I was surprised at the answer, she said she'd rather be a Christian friend in a group of mates than spend her chill out time in the pub having a discussion about Christian values and ways of life. I was shocked at the speed at which her argument came out. Should I be offended? At the time I felt really offended and couldn't understand that a thing that is such an important part of my life should just be dismissed so quickly. It left me feeling like I'd gone back to the Sunday Christian thinking, where God is at church and on a Sunday. Yes I can grasp why you may not want to talk about God issues in a pub, but (as cliched as it is) I'm not ashamed of the Gospel. I had waited for that moment for 2 months, we've never talked about God for so long in that pub, usually he's a passing comment. I think God's people talking about God makes them more attractive and lights up their whole being (not just there face). For the first time in ages I actually felt good about being really late home last night.

I guess I'm used to it, about 80% of my friends are Christian in Luton, I don't think I fully appreciated their support and their advice up until now.

Why oh why?

They're doing it again by the way. That silly questioning thing. Yeah, my whole family and all my friends. I didn't turn 20 one second ago and they are all asking me about my future. Hey, guys for a couple of years, could you let me be? I'm not one to complain, I know they all care loads about me and are genuinely interested in where I am in job and relationship status (not in that order though), but i'm really fed up about answering questions when I have my own head to sort out first.

I know I'm gonna have to edit this now if I ever properly publish it!!

Oh the questions!

'I've had questions, without answers
I've known sorrow, I have known pain
But there's one thing, that I'll cling to
You are faithful, Jesus you're true' - Tim Hughes


Well, I can't actually think what has happened over the last month and a half so I'll just go with the most recent events that I can think of.

Last four weeks have been rather exciting, with several trips back to Luton to see new house and work and friends. All happy and moved in. Stuff is gradually accumulating in new house and making it feel homely has so far been my job. Hopefully it'll not be my job in September. I have been there quite a lot attending work and a wedding. Actually have had a really great time being away from the homestead and being Miss independent. Seen a lot of people I never expected to see. Always a good surprise.

One particular event I feel the need to mention was the celebration of my 20th birthday. Spent the morning in Church and the afternoon having a small lunch with 9 friends/people I'm just getting to know (this is not through any fault of my own, our uni holiday dates don't often match up). It was really great. Being away from home and celebrating in a way that shows that I can be adult about birthdays (although I did get rather over excited at getting a coffee machine, addiction here we come, it was the person who gave it to me and the thought that drove me over the edge!). Spending time with those 9 people meant so much to me, they wanted to come and they made the effort to say happy birthday in the morning. It could have been more if I was more organised. Coming home on the same day showed me the contrasts of the two worlds (oh its got a lot bigger than counties in the last few months) that I live in.

Having childish banter constantly, which I have become very reactive too and can no longer hold my own against, is hard. I can't help but fall in to the trap that it creates and always come out the losing party. I can successfully fight my way when the people are my own age, but this just comes across as a 'holier than thou' attitude with my siblings. Take for example my 17 year old brother pouring beer in to my orange juice under my nose, yes it's funny, but it also tastes foul. I failed to see the funny side and refused to drink the juice, Dad offered to get me a pint of water. Couldn't really talk to any one after that, felt like I was gonna explode. Also immediately wanted to be back in Luton. I'm ok now, just wish that Luton mentality can follow me around just a little bit.

That is when I don't follow Luton around. Met boy at a Christian festival in London and was happy to see him for 10 mins. When we eventually spoke he guessed my chosen vocation, which scared me a little. I then had a rational thought about it and I was ok. Found out he's in my network (housegroup/cell) in September and again freaked, the final thing is that he's living next door to me as of the end of August and that pushed me in to strange 'looking into the distance' mode. Had to break out of it on every occasion and spent a large amount of time praying about how I'm gonna cope. But then realised it was fine and God will be there for me as will my many friends, even those who have no clue what's going on (hopefully this includes boy, but I know from past experience that I'm not gonna look to him for advice).

Just had a really massive chat with my Dad and have realised that I do live in two separate places and can deal with both on the same day, just have to remember how to deal with them. Its not helpful that now I have spoken to him I have no clearer idea as to what he thinks of boy and whether it would actually be worth my while to find out an opinion. Probably not,seeing as they've never met and won't do until I introduce them (something that isn't in the near future). Talked about all the 'what ifs...?' that go around in your head when you realise that you like some one. You know what, I've never had this many, I would write them but you'd e bored really easily and I think you've probably been through them as well.

Another thing that has happened which you may find shocking, is the accusation that my brother (17) committed rape a week ago. This is the boy with a spotless reputation with girls and when he wants to be, he can be a real gentleman (the other times he acts well below his age and does silly things). The whole family were really stunned, as were the church. Thank God for both Church families I'm part of. I love them both, for what they did on the day and the support they offered. My little brother is without a doubt innocent and the DNA can prove that, but we still have a tense wait until the case is dropped. Make what you will of the 16 year old girl that accused him. I am not one to judge and all I can pray is that some of Jesus' compassion for the poor (spiritually) can pour from our family on to her.


'What can we say to describe just a glimpse of Your Glory
How can our words portray but a thread of Your Majesty
But still we praise our Savior in Spirit and in Truth
For we cannot say enough about You' - MercyMe

A song that really struck a cord with me and has kept me going.