Monday, August 16, 2004

When, no longer why?

I'm back from my brief trip to Luton for my 4th wedding of this year. It was really good to see everyone again. Turns out I'd made a very good decision to leave when I did, there were two massive crashes on my route inbetween the time where I got to Luton and the time I came back to Billericay. So I had a little bit of extra thinking time whilst in Luton, but as it goes I didn't have anything to do to make me think. I had seen the boy and various other people, but I didn't wanna think about it (it being the future), so instead I danced around my house and took out the rubbish. This took an hour and the traffic had cleared, so I set off back to Essex.

The wedding itself was great. I'd never been to a wedding where the whole congregation was invited to take communion. It had also never occured to me that it may offend some people. The usher looked mighty disappointed when 4 whole rows consecutively decided not to go up. Then it was my rows turn. To say I had been dreading it is a complete lie, I knew that I could walk in my shoes and I knew that I wouldn't trip. I made it to the front, smiled at the new Mr & Mrs and took communion on a Saturday, interesting! I also managed to not look in boy's direction for a great deal of the time. The thing that really worried me was while the pictures were being taken he kept catching my eye. I'm pretty sure he suspects something.

Which leads me on to another Pub conversation that I didn't want to have, in great contrast to last weeks conversation which I had been dying to have. I had to explain the boy to someone. For the first time I went through every last detail of the last 8 months and discovered nothing at all. Something that you may say is unsuccessful, but to the contrary I find it intriguing. I talked for ages about him and I feel really indifferent about everything. Tonight made me realise that I can jazz up the story of my life an awful lot with out any one actually questioning whether its the truth. The world is so corrupt that you can tell one person something and it is likely to get round in a matter of weeks. Obviously this is not true for a large majority of people, but in the company I hold not much stays confidential any more. The indifferent feeling comes from being desensitised by family and unhelpful friends. The girl I told the story to insists that I now do something about my situation, which in fact I'm very happy where I am. I just walked away from the conversation thinking, I know some one who is greater than all this and they will help me deal with it... GOD. He's there for me and he's not pushing me to do anything about this at the moment. I no longer feel a burning need to text or ring him, and I don't need to see him every 10 seconds. He IS my friend above all and I'll see him every 10 days, if I'm lucky. I can't treat him like my boyfriend because he's my brother. God made us both, am I really doing anything to help him by making eyes and passing unhelpful comments? I believe not.

The question that family and friends are asking is now When? When will something happen? With my head screwed on and full of God I'm now asking Why do you need to know?

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