I got called into work today, to help out with a taster day for a school. This involves a tour and 2 lectures. Boring! I'm writing in the second lecture about accounting, bored. Luckily enough I’m being paid over £5 an hour.
Last night was good. Dinner was cooked for me and I managed to survive the conversation I had. Funnily enough, the boy is totally oblivious to other people talking. I think people probably understand that friendship is a unique thing between two people, what they don't get is how it can mean nothing on other levels. After the conversation I decided that I'm ok with how it turned out. I'm not going to pursue it any more, seeing as the boy thought there was no need for it in the first place. No more questions, ok?
So having survived that conversation, I didn't do any work. I just watched a movie, consoled a friend and tried on my outfit for the carol service. Gorgeous!
The Bible study we did looked at Naomi, and briefly at the good wife in Proverbs 31. Have realised that however much I try, God will be the one to give me strength, it not my choice if I'm a wife at all!
Tuesday, November 30, 2004
Monday, November 29, 2004
Avoidance Tactics
These were in use an awful lot last night.
The classic, of just not talking to each other, ruled.
The thing is we have a lot to say, but not a way of starting to say it. The saddest thing is unless we talk, we don't move on.
When I tell people I'm a psychology student, after them asking if I can read their mind, they go on to ask me to analyse their behaviour. I've worked on a get out clause for this over the last two years. Most people have their arms crossed, a sure sign that they don't actually want you to analyse them at all. Easy.
So I don't do it. I've stopped consciously people watching. Its making my brain explode.
I talked to God about everything yesterday, just to let him know how I feel.
It makes me really happy to know that Jesus is there standing in between me and God right now. I'm angry and annoyed that things aren't going MY way right now.
Before you tell me off, I know that this is exactly not the way I should be feeling.
I SHOULD be all ready to give everything up to God and let him take control.
I wish I could. I want to let go of whatever it is, but I can't find it.
Yes, God's talking to me, He's urging me to release whatever it is, but I have no clue how to let go.
Suffice to say, I don't have a high level of concentration right now.
The classic, of just not talking to each other, ruled.
The thing is we have a lot to say, but not a way of starting to say it. The saddest thing is unless we talk, we don't move on.
When I tell people I'm a psychology student, after them asking if I can read their mind, they go on to ask me to analyse their behaviour. I've worked on a get out clause for this over the last two years. Most people have their arms crossed, a sure sign that they don't actually want you to analyse them at all. Easy.
So I don't do it. I've stopped consciously people watching. Its making my brain explode.
I talked to God about everything yesterday, just to let him know how I feel.
It makes me really happy to know that Jesus is there standing in between me and God right now. I'm angry and annoyed that things aren't going MY way right now.
Before you tell me off, I know that this is exactly not the way I should be feeling.
I SHOULD be all ready to give everything up to God and let him take control.
I wish I could. I want to let go of whatever it is, but I can't find it.
Yes, God's talking to me, He's urging me to release whatever it is, but I have no clue how to let go.
Suffice to say, I don't have a high level of concentration right now.
Saturday, November 27, 2004
Getting hooked
Yes I know, I write all the time. Not as obsessive as some, but not as little as others. I can say that I am hooked.
But is it hooked on talking about myself and what I do or hooked on the idea that I can tell the world how I feel and not have any consequences?
Interesting.
Another thing I happen to be hooked on is Youth Work. For those of you who don't know, I work at St Mary's in Luton with the 11-14's age range. I have to tell you now its the most enjoyable thing, and its so exhausting!
Last night we went to Activity World. It was great. We took 45 youth and 7 leaders. The exception for this time was us taking a coach! It was rather impressive and Charlie didn't ever have to read the riot act! I can't believe that we managed to fill so many spaces.
The best thing about it was meeting all the friends of the current TGI's and getting to know some better. So much fun! Although I now feel really tired and I have a dissertation deadline this week. So I have to go and do work, but I can't do the work until my dissertation supervisor emails me the articles, which she is yet to do.
Dad has a blog now. As I am his daughter I do have the right to say, this could be interesting. I also know for a fact that my Mum is now internet literate, so keep it clean ladies and gentlemen.
But is it hooked on talking about myself and what I do or hooked on the idea that I can tell the world how I feel and not have any consequences?
Interesting.
Another thing I happen to be hooked on is Youth Work. For those of you who don't know, I work at St Mary's in Luton with the 11-14's age range. I have to tell you now its the most enjoyable thing, and its so exhausting!
Last night we went to Activity World. It was great. We took 45 youth and 7 leaders. The exception for this time was us taking a coach! It was rather impressive and Charlie didn't ever have to read the riot act! I can't believe that we managed to fill so many spaces.
The best thing about it was meeting all the friends of the current TGI's and getting to know some better. So much fun! Although I now feel really tired and I have a dissertation deadline this week. So I have to go and do work, but I can't do the work until my dissertation supervisor emails me the articles, which she is yet to do.
Dad has a blog now. As I am his daughter I do have the right to say, this could be interesting. I also know for a fact that my Mum is now internet literate, so keep it clean ladies and gentlemen.
Friday, November 26, 2004
When actions speak louder than words, and get you in trouble...
Yes, I'm in trouble, for the way I act.
My personality in general is a flirty one. Its what I've learnt and how I come across some times.
The problem comes when it is taken to literally and some one misinterprets you.
Unfortunately, my brain only catches up 10 seconds after something has been done, so then I regret it. I need to work this out. Any ideas?
When words speak louder than actions...
Text messages are a funny thing. I sent a really blunt text to Chris last night without reading it out loud. Then she told me to watch what I say, because the text sounded really dodgy! Whoops. I need to stop this too.
I was reading a Psalm 86 last night. v 11-13:
Teach me your way, O LORD ,
and I will walk in your truth;
give me an undivided heart,
that I may fear your name.
I will praise you, O Lord my God,
with all my heart;
I will glorify your name forever.
For great is your love toward me;
you have delivered me from the depths of the grave.
God has spoken to me and I cry out for help from him. All these things will be solved through Him.
My personality in general is a flirty one. Its what I've learnt and how I come across some times.
The problem comes when it is taken to literally and some one misinterprets you.
Unfortunately, my brain only catches up 10 seconds after something has been done, so then I regret it. I need to work this out. Any ideas?
When words speak louder than actions...
Text messages are a funny thing. I sent a really blunt text to Chris last night without reading it out loud. Then she told me to watch what I say, because the text sounded really dodgy! Whoops. I need to stop this too.
I was reading a Psalm 86 last night. v 11-13:
Teach me your way, O LORD ,
and I will walk in your truth;
give me an undivided heart,
that I may fear your name.
I will praise you, O Lord my God,
with all my heart;
I will glorify your name forever.
For great is your love toward me;
you have delivered me from the depths of the grave.
God has spoken to me and I cry out for help from him. All these things will be solved through Him.
Thursday, November 25, 2004
Lots to say
Well, I guess I do, lots has happened in the last few days.
I've had various conversations that have led me to believe that I will never get a boy, let alone the boy. But, hey, I'll get over it. I'm an adult, I can cope.
Work is being really silly right now, there are never enough people to do the work no one wants to do, so I end up doing all of it. I don't want to keep ringing schools who have no idea who I am about something they don't want. Very silly.
Grandad has gone for a second opinion in London at the Royal Marden Hospital, his appointment is on Tuesday. As normal, Nan is not impressed. She doesn't like the idea of Grandad being an experiment (or the propect of a failed experiment). So off they trek to London. We'll still be praying for them.
With Christmas slowly creeping up (1 calendar month left), Mum asked me for a christmas list. I think I'm only asking for a few things:
I've had various conversations that have led me to believe that I will never get a boy, let alone the boy. But, hey, I'll get over it. I'm an adult, I can cope.
Work is being really silly right now, there are never enough people to do the work no one wants to do, so I end up doing all of it. I don't want to keep ringing schools who have no idea who I am about something they don't want. Very silly.
Grandad has gone for a second opinion in London at the Royal Marden Hospital, his appointment is on Tuesday. As normal, Nan is not impressed. She doesn't like the idea of Grandad being an experiment (or the propect of a failed experiment). So off they trek to London. We'll still be praying for them.
With Christmas slowly creeping up (1 calendar month left), Mum asked me for a christmas list. I think I'm only asking for a few things:
- CD's (Daniel Bedingfield, Westlife, various others that escape my mind right now)
- A desk for my room at uni. (I'm fed up of working on my lap and I don't think getting RSI will be helpful when writing 10,000 words)
- A USB stick, so I can save the 10,000 words
- Money - as always
Not an extensive list, as my brain has suddenly remembered that I have loads of work to do and can't possible think about Christmas for longer than 2 seconds. The University Christmas Carol Service is on the 9th and by way of God, I'm doing a solo! Please pray for me!
We've planned all the CU stuff up until the Mission in April next year. Scared, very scared.
I left my phone at home today, this should be an interesting few hours. Although I don't know the time, I feel free from it. Enforced sacrifce, otherwise known as forgetfulness!
Monday, November 22, 2004
Something exciting!
I know this is a little sad, but I feel like I have to share with you, I'm a published writer! He he! Have a look:
Summer Breaks
Ok, so it's a little disjointed and I wrote it thinking it would disappear in to oblivion. Its there (I'm gonna email the webmaster, who is my friend I'm not a stalker, to find out what part two is!), take a look.
Anyway...
Moving on: This weekend has been one of great interest. Seeing Liz was great, getting to spend time with her was fun. Will expand no more, for fear of having a smack round the face as a christmas present! Her news to tell.
I also had a great time with my friends. My Luton family, you guys and girls are great! I'm starting to see where everyone fits it, and its a great help.
I finally have older brothers and sisters (most of whom echo my parents, but thats how I sound to my little brothers!), more parents than I can imagine and more little brothers and sisters, mostly in the shape of TGI's! Lovely bunch.
One of the reasons I recognised God in my life was because I recognised the Church as a world wide family, getting a glimpse of the big picture, amazing!
The other thing I love about God is the random and unexpected encouragement you can get and give.
Much love!
Summer Breaks
Ok, so it's a little disjointed and I wrote it thinking it would disappear in to oblivion. Its there (I'm gonna email the webmaster, who is my friend I'm not a stalker, to find out what part two is!), take a look.
Anyway...
Moving on: This weekend has been one of great interest. Seeing Liz was great, getting to spend time with her was fun. Will expand no more, for fear of having a smack round the face as a christmas present! Her news to tell.
I also had a great time with my friends. My Luton family, you guys and girls are great! I'm starting to see where everyone fits it, and its a great help.
I finally have older brothers and sisters (most of whom echo my parents, but thats how I sound to my little brothers!), more parents than I can imagine and more little brothers and sisters, mostly in the shape of TGI's! Lovely bunch.
One of the reasons I recognised God in my life was because I recognised the Church as a world wide family, getting a glimpse of the big picture, amazing!
The other thing I love about God is the random and unexpected encouragement you can get and give.
Much love!
Friday, November 19, 2004
Silly Library!
So went to do the whole photocopying thing this afternoon, only to find that the chapter I want to photocopy has been ripped out of the book.
I'm praying for that person! And I will forgive them... eventually.
Rather excited now, gonna spend a weekend with Liz and getting to see her is always fun. I think.
I've had word that she's going to be winding me up about certain things. Sisters!
Oh, I found a great stress reliever, talk to some one you know whilst wearing mittens. Most of you will know about my mittens and how I talk when I'm wearing them. Its so funny. The other thing is messing up a boys hair, any boy will do, this is also very funny!
Turns out I had no need for a boy hug in the end, I just needed to talk to someone about all the stuff.
The report isn't done but I think I'll hand it in on monday when I've completed it.
I'm praying for that person! And I will forgive them... eventually.
Rather excited now, gonna spend a weekend with Liz and getting to see her is always fun. I think.
I've had word that she's going to be winding me up about certain things. Sisters!
Oh, I found a great stress reliever, talk to some one you know whilst wearing mittens. Most of you will know about my mittens and how I talk when I'm wearing them. Its so funny. The other thing is messing up a boys hair, any boy will do, this is also very funny!
Turns out I had no need for a boy hug in the end, I just needed to talk to someone about all the stuff.
The report isn't done but I think I'll hand it in on monday when I've completed it.
Thursday, November 18, 2004
This all sounds like too much hard work...
What does, I hear you cry?
Well actually I'm the one crying, I've got a report due next week, its the hardest thing ever, I've got loads of reading to do for dissertation, my diary is starting to get heavy from the amount of ink in it and my life at home is slowly but surely falling down around my family's ears.
I need a big hug. Not just from God, but from the boy. I know, the question is, 'how can this be helpful at such a time?' the answer is, 'let me have my little things and by God's amazing grace I shall cope'.
For those of you who don't know, I found out last night that my grandad's cancer is incurable. He's gonna start treatment soon. There's not much more I can say. I have nothing to say. Apart from thankyou to everyone around me. For the support and the shut mouths.
I thank God too. There is nothing more I can do. I'm moving in all God's might right now. I got up because of God and I'll survive this weekend because of God. Prayer and praise through the suffering, a few months ago my suffering was little compared to others, I guess in a way it still is, but I'm feeling it in my heart.
Put on a happy face and off to a boring and unhelpful lecture (which would be any subject that isn't about how to cure the incurable)!
Well actually I'm the one crying, I've got a report due next week, its the hardest thing ever, I've got loads of reading to do for dissertation, my diary is starting to get heavy from the amount of ink in it and my life at home is slowly but surely falling down around my family's ears.
I need a big hug. Not just from God, but from the boy. I know, the question is, 'how can this be helpful at such a time?' the answer is, 'let me have my little things and by God's amazing grace I shall cope'.
For those of you who don't know, I found out last night that my grandad's cancer is incurable. He's gonna start treatment soon. There's not much more I can say. I have nothing to say. Apart from thankyou to everyone around me. For the support and the shut mouths.
I thank God too. There is nothing more I can do. I'm moving in all God's might right now. I got up because of God and I'll survive this weekend because of God. Prayer and praise through the suffering, a few months ago my suffering was little compared to others, I guess in a way it still is, but I'm feeling it in my heart.
Put on a happy face and off to a boring and unhelpful lecture (which would be any subject that isn't about how to cure the incurable)!
Monday, November 15, 2004
Away
Well, having got back from my weekend away (at Southport on Youthwork the conference), I can say that I've learnt alot and have a lot to learn.
God spoke to me.
"Karen, Karen, you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her." Luke 10:41-42
So, I know I need to stop worrying, but I'm now happy to let it all go. Yes, occasionally I will be stressed, but now I'm all up for avoiding burnout. The courage to say "no".
Apologies to those who I had text conversations with after vowing to turn off my phone, I guess being a people (nosy?) person has its downsides!
God spoke to me.
"Karen, Karen, you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her." Luke 10:41-42
So, I know I need to stop worrying, but I'm now happy to let it all go. Yes, occasionally I will be stressed, but now I'm all up for avoiding burnout. The courage to say "no".
Apologies to those who I had text conversations with after vowing to turn off my phone, I guess being a people (nosy?) person has its downsides!
Friday, November 12, 2004
Looking without seeing
Well there’s not much more I can say. Some one was surprised that I hadn’t said anything all week. People, I’m proper busy right now.
Anyway… moving on slightly. I realised that I spend a lot of my time complaining, so instead I'll tell you some thing. Last night something really amazing happened.
My prayers were answered. I have had a lot of clouded thoughts recently over some situations. Yesterday was a really good day but I couldn't put my finger on why.
Then as i was sitting in bed, I decided to turn to my Bible. I'm currently studying the Unseen part of life, so i was looking at 2 Kings 6: 8-17, where Elisha asks God to open the eyes of his servant.
Little did I know that as I was reading, my prayer had been answered. Instead of praying for my eyes to be opened I ended up spending time praising God for opening my eyes!
How amazing?
It just shows that you can look without seeing.
Aside from that (which is huge, I've been praying for 6 months), I'm great. Busy but there's not really much I can do about it. I've got a meeting with my dissertation supervisor in 8 minutes and I'm doing a presentation on Youth Justice at 3.45pm. Then I am off to the YouthWork Conference, yeay for learning (I do get to see my Dad, which is an added bonus, and he won't be so stressed)!
So, to recap (in practice for concluding presentation),
I have had an answer to prayer,
I'm so busy that I have to spend some time prioritising (there's a christmas present list to be written soon, must not forget),
I'm going away (and I'm switching my phone off),
And my brain is now unclouded!
PRAISE THE LORD!!!!!!!!
Anyway… moving on slightly. I realised that I spend a lot of my time complaining, so instead I'll tell you some thing. Last night something really amazing happened.
My prayers were answered. I have had a lot of clouded thoughts recently over some situations. Yesterday was a really good day but I couldn't put my finger on why.
Then as i was sitting in bed, I decided to turn to my Bible. I'm currently studying the Unseen part of life, so i was looking at 2 Kings 6: 8-17, where Elisha asks God to open the eyes of his servant.
Little did I know that as I was reading, my prayer had been answered. Instead of praying for my eyes to be opened I ended up spending time praising God for opening my eyes!
How amazing?
It just shows that you can look without seeing.
Aside from that (which is huge, I've been praying for 6 months), I'm great. Busy but there's not really much I can do about it. I've got a meeting with my dissertation supervisor in 8 minutes and I'm doing a presentation on Youth Justice at 3.45pm. Then I am off to the YouthWork Conference, yeay for learning (I do get to see my Dad, which is an added bonus, and he won't be so stressed)!
So, to recap (in practice for concluding presentation),
I have had an answer to prayer,
I'm so busy that I have to spend some time prioritising (there's a christmas present list to be written soon, must not forget),
I'm going away (and I'm switching my phone off),
And my brain is now unclouded!
PRAISE THE LORD!!!!!!!!
Monday, November 08, 2004
Sunday Lunch
Yet again I've had a great weekend.
Thankyou to everyone who helped out, and for those who hindered the process slightly, without whom we would not have laughed.
I still love serving people. Although totaly drained and not looking forward to getting back to work.
I realised that my problems may be around for a while and I'm just gonna have to cope. End of story.
I was in the office today, staring at a poster that says 'My life would be empty with out stress'. True, too true. 1 presentation, 1 to go. Off to search the library again.
Thankyou to everyone who helped out, and for those who hindered the process slightly, without whom we would not have laughed.
I still love serving people. Although totaly drained and not looking forward to getting back to work.
I realised that my problems may be around for a while and I'm just gonna have to cope. End of story.
I was in the office today, staring at a poster that says 'My life would be empty with out stress'. True, too true. 1 presentation, 1 to go. Off to search the library again.
Saturday, November 06, 2004
Still
Still.
Still here.
Still thinking.
Still working.
Yes, you join me at the calm before the storm.
My house is hosting dinner before fireworks tonight and lunch tomorrow after noon.
Two very busy events withing 24 hours. For me that means theres a lot of clearing to be done. I'm looking forward to it though.
You'll be happy to know that I've written at least 1 of the presentations I have to do next week and if I could find the books for the one on friday I would be dong the work, but no. The silly library is rubbish. No books, anywhere. I'm just ready to email my lecturer.
Was thinking about how everything seems to become very quiet in the rain when someone beeped their horn! Maybe not so quiet, eh?
I'm staring at St Marys clock, as I so regularly do, and have noted that it says 11.30 still. They've nearly finished cleaning the tower, but no-one has remembered to set the clock. Sort it out!
So the fireworks tonight, something I can say I am looking forward to. With one little problem: felt rather lonely this morning (yes it was this morning, i'm not that lazy) when I woke up. I think, yet again, I have over-romanticsied this evening in my head. Blergh. Girls you understand, right?
Still here.
Still thinking.
Still working.
Yes, you join me at the calm before the storm.
My house is hosting dinner before fireworks tonight and lunch tomorrow after noon.
Two very busy events withing 24 hours. For me that means theres a lot of clearing to be done. I'm looking forward to it though.
You'll be happy to know that I've written at least 1 of the presentations I have to do next week and if I could find the books for the one on friday I would be dong the work, but no. The silly library is rubbish. No books, anywhere. I'm just ready to email my lecturer.
Was thinking about how everything seems to become very quiet in the rain when someone beeped their horn! Maybe not so quiet, eh?
I'm staring at St Marys clock, as I so regularly do, and have noted that it says 11.30 still. They've nearly finished cleaning the tower, but no-one has remembered to set the clock. Sort it out!
So the fireworks tonight, something I can say I am looking forward to. With one little problem: felt rather lonely this morning (yes it was this morning, i'm not that lazy) when I woke up. I think, yet again, I have over-romanticsied this evening in my head. Blergh. Girls you understand, right?
Wednesday, November 03, 2004
Feeling the need
The need to say stuff that some people may not like.
I think I have to first address the current issue: the re-election of Mr Bush. I think I can turly say that after many silly things done in the last four years, this is the silliest.
Why re-elcet this man? Have the small words he uses been covering the big mistakes he's made? I think the US people can officially be defined as 'the blind leading the blind'. I don't understand politics at the best of times, but I can see the bad decision thats just been made.
Secondly I ask the question:
If someone asks you something and their life depends on the answer, would you try your hardest to scrape together an answer?
Many people would say yes.
This did not occur to the people who are currently dealing with my granddad. They have no idea what is going on in his body, not even an indication. My mum said that the consultant had no clue what he was talking about and they have to go in to London for a second opinion.
What do we as a country strive for? Mr Blair's reaction would make me assume we live to please. What was the consultant thinking about when he was talking to my Nan and Granddad, his lunch? The queues? More than likely.
I cried again.
I cried because its out of control.
I cried because people are asking me questions that I can't answer.
I've been challenged to listen to God. I'm doing a talk on it on Sunday morning. I think I'm gonna go for another walk on Saturday, or I'll spend the day at home thinking about how dirty my house is.
I'm listening to God. I'm gonna attempt to listen in the right place.
I'd like to thank the people I've eaten with in the last week. For their support and ideas. For the challenges and helpful comments. I love everyone of you.
I think I have to first address the current issue: the re-election of Mr Bush. I think I can turly say that after many silly things done in the last four years, this is the silliest.
Why re-elcet this man? Have the small words he uses been covering the big mistakes he's made? I think the US people can officially be defined as 'the blind leading the blind'. I don't understand politics at the best of times, but I can see the bad decision thats just been made.
Secondly I ask the question:
If someone asks you something and their life depends on the answer, would you try your hardest to scrape together an answer?
Many people would say yes.
This did not occur to the people who are currently dealing with my granddad. They have no idea what is going on in his body, not even an indication. My mum said that the consultant had no clue what he was talking about and they have to go in to London for a second opinion.
What do we as a country strive for? Mr Blair's reaction would make me assume we live to please. What was the consultant thinking about when he was talking to my Nan and Granddad, his lunch? The queues? More than likely.
I cried again.
I cried because its out of control.
I cried because people are asking me questions that I can't answer.
I've been challenged to listen to God. I'm doing a talk on it on Sunday morning. I think I'm gonna go for another walk on Saturday, or I'll spend the day at home thinking about how dirty my house is.
I'm listening to God. I'm gonna attempt to listen in the right place.
I'd like to thank the people I've eaten with in the last week. For their support and ideas. For the challenges and helpful comments. I love everyone of you.
Monday, November 01, 2004
Choose the light
So St Marys started its new series on different movies last night, with Lord of The Rings.
Can't say I was that enthralled by the actually movie, but the message was very good. We talk constantly about the difference between dark and light and the fight that exsists in the world. People are starting to think.
It was very reassuring yesterday morning when I heard one young person actually contemplating what it meant to live in the light.
Yesterday evening was all good until the end of the service when a lot of stuff hit me. I'm still crying loads.
It suddenly struck me that its ok for me to be an emotional wreck right now, I have full reason, so I lived up to it for a full five minutes!
Crying can be such a release, and not just for girls!
I feel a lot better now, I'll be ok.
Can't say I was that enthralled by the actually movie, but the message was very good. We talk constantly about the difference between dark and light and the fight that exsists in the world. People are starting to think.
It was very reassuring yesterday morning when I heard one young person actually contemplating what it meant to live in the light.
Yesterday evening was all good until the end of the service when a lot of stuff hit me. I'm still crying loads.
It suddenly struck me that its ok for me to be an emotional wreck right now, I have full reason, so I lived up to it for a full five minutes!
Crying can be such a release, and not just for girls!
I feel a lot better now, I'll be ok.
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