After Christmas

Its over for another year.

Jesus has come into the world as a helpless baby and the world is ready to be saved once again.

Don't get me wrong, I'm very excited about the coming year.

My home Church have flung themselves into a year of mission which they shall be praying for in the first week of January (although not on the Bank Holiday - there's something wrong with that) and they all seem to be looking forward to celebrating the year.

I graduate in 6 months - did I say excited, I meant scared! And I will be flung in to the world and have to work for a living. Wow what a task.

I also step away from leadership for the first time. I have to step away from being Secretary on the CU. This is something I am going to find hard. God knows I'm a control freak and so do my friends. I need theirs and Gods help to let go of this. But it will be fun to see the CU run by some one else. God be with the new leaders.

Those are only three things I can mention, I'm sure there are many more that I can't name, probably because I don't know what they are. Its up to God to guide me and keep me safe. I have to make some massive decisions this year and I'm glad that God is on my side.

I wish every one who is out there the very best. Have a great 2005!

Its done!

So its all there people. The links below go to the photos (a select few I must add, all the rest have me in, I have a cringe phobia of me pictures!) and the sound clip. You are very lucky people, if I actually had any control none of this would be out. There are permanent links on the side of the page.

A very happy Christmas to every one. Enjoy all the services and spend some time relaxing.

I love you all lots and lots have a great couple of days!

Carol Sevice

See some of the Photos.

Here is the Sound Clip! I'm so excited!

Me at the Carol Service

Issex

Last night I walked out of the car and straight into a pub!

It was great to see all those people I hadn't seen for months. It may have been the alcohol that they were drinking, commonly known as Christmas Spirit, or it could have just been that they were happy, but they all looked really good. I don't think much has changed in town. A few shops have shut and a few have opened (Yes, we now have a bridal shop, ARGH). Its good to be back.

Michael has grown in the last 2 months, so he is now an inch tall than me, and I don't think that'll stop any time soon! Andy and Mike will forever be my little brothers.

I didn't get to say good bye to a few people yesterday, but I think its gonna be ok. At this rate I'll be back in 8 days! Can't keep me away!

The other good news is, I now have the capability to spend hours messing around with putting pictures and sound on the web! Look for the link.

The end of the year

Well, it seems like its the end of the year already. This is, of course, forgetting that there is still Christmas, a wedding and a ball to go to before we finally say good bye to 2004.

Its been strange actually having a house that I am comfortable in (most of the time) and a place I can look after. We made a special deal of Christmas on Friday. It was really fun. Miriam is an amazing cook. We all brought presents for each other, I got a mug thats says "Nothing gets me in the mood like a man doing my dishes". I think its great that I have something that sums me up in one!

I also got a few things I wasn't expecting. A set of photo frames from James, a message from Mareike and a George Foreman (for the house) from Jana. I love them all. So my first Christmas in Luton with Luton people was amazing. I'm glad that so many people could share with us.

Even next door did. I don't think they were so happy though, we kept them up! Whoops!

I really value my friends. They know me so well, all the presents and the messages suited me doewn to the ground. There was so much love in that room.

I spent the whole weekend with the TGI's really. Ice Skating on Friday, London on Saturday and TGI's as normal on Sunday morning. Really feel like I'm getting to know them a lot better.

Then we had a carol service on Sunday night. A large majority of my friends took part and I'm very proud of all of them. You know who you are. Well done for being so good at what you do, you multi-talented bunch of people! Love you.

I'm so glad that my parents love me so much that they've let me stay in Luton for so long this year (4 days longer than originaly planned).

Well, good bye to Luton for a week! And Hello to Essex and all the friends I haven't seen for 3 months. Yeay!

Its OK folks!

I had to ring Mum in the end. But Grandad was ok. So hopefully he'll be fine by the time I see him on Wednesday next week.

I've finished cell leaders training now and can officially lead a cell (like I couldn't before?). So when I come back to Luton in Janurary (which does actually seem like a whole year away) I'll be push (un)willingly in to the deep end. Can you hear in my voice how excited I am?

Don't get me wrong, I do want to do it, I'm just abit apprehensive about doing it. Cell leadership can be talked up or down by a lot of different people. I can be assured that I will be trusting God so much more!

Feeling realitively happy, but just off to finish Christmas shopping and hand in an essay. Yeay!

Family

Well, the treatment that Grandad was supposed to have at the end of the week already happened. I'm just about to go and look up the hospital on the net. They offered him wine with his dinner! So there's a plus on the recovery stakes.

He did stay in over night and I'm just waiting for my mum to ring and tell me whether they've let him come home. It was a bit of a surprise last night when she rang me, but now I know what to buy her for christmas.

All is calm, all is... bright?

Anyway, I'll save the carols for Sunday, when I get to see all my friends on stage singing or playing their hearts out. Very excited!

Thank God for the Weekend

(I think its a song Lyric, hmmm...)

Anyway! Here I am on a Monday morning and I can't believe I'm smiling as much as I am!

News that the car will be fixed has just reached me. I love driving, maybe I'll actually get a chance before Easter!

I've had a great few days without the house being full up to the rafters.

The prayer night was excellent, we got back to the grass roots of prayer and prayed how our Saviour taught us, The Lords Prayer. I only stayed for 5 hours at the start and 2 hours at the end. But 7 hours sorting out stuff with God was a great way to start what could have been a boring weekend.

I got a letter from an Ignite person on Saturday morning, I love being in touch with the youth, they write very interesting things (and its better than getting bills). I had to write back immediately otherwise I wouldn't have done it!

I've nearly finished all my Christmas shopping and they are all wrapped too! Dead impressed with my self. I even fixed the hoover, with a little help from Miriam. So I cleaned as well. This may sound incredibly boring, but I got a lot of stuff out of my system singing and dancing while cleaning!

Then spent a night in chatting to Tim and watching Notting Hill, by the time it had finished I think we'd both realised that life isn't a movie. I'm so glad.

Christingle on Sunday morning followed by lunch with Lou, was a perfect day. I finished my essay and ate lots of ice cream and cake.

God is great! He works in amazing ways and I'm really glad that he is the focus of my life. I have something to live for and work towards, something that is everlasting.

So at Christmas time the question is, Where is your focus? (don't give the Sunday school one word answer, explore what it really means)

An after thought

Well, the Carol Service went really well, with a few hitches and many people telling me I had to smile.

So on with the fixed grin, which changed in to a real one once my Dad had turned up.

Feeling exhausted the Christian Union Choir (we practiced so hard) opened with a selection of Carols (surprising that!) and made way for the University Choir, who were amazing! A really good soloist this year.

Then Howard, James and I took the stage for the welocme and opening prayer. All good (as always Dad had something to say about my pronounciation, hey I come from Issex!).

The programme flowed really well and then we got to the song that I had to sing Solo in. Argh, my legs were shaking the whole time. Everyone told me I did really well afterwards, I thank God for it, otherwise I so would have forgotten everything. Thankyou everyone for your support and putting up with my moaning about it.

Howard's sermon was so funny, I just wish people laughed more. Christmas is a very happy time!

Christine took pictures, so I'm just waiting for them. So that was it for my last University Carol Service. I'm looking forward to hearing the reports from next years one already, or I might even be there!

We took Mareike out for birthday drinks too! It was very fun to see every one chill out abit after a stressful day.

Love you all very much!

All by myself

Yeay, finally!

I'm gonna turn in to a bit of a recluse this weekend. The rest of my house is away, there's stuff on telly I wanna watch and I have free reign.

We had a bit of a stress out last night, only because we have so many people in and out of our house constantly. Hey, Jesus tried to get away from the crowds, but he was perfect and showed compassion. I think our house ran out of compassion last night when 4 boys turned up to eat dinner, kind of uninvited. Don't worry we had words.

The thing is we're all too polite to say no. We'll learn.

We've only got a week to go, so it should be ok.

Carol service tonight. Absolutely scared. But watch this space for pictures.

Busy, busy...

I don't know why I'm sitting in front of this screen again. I have lots to say still, but one main thing is in my head.

Let me be. As I am. I was coping and now I'm not.

I don't know what it is, but I have a really busy week and God still wants to put stuff on to me.

I'm supposed to be helping lead cell this wednesday, it was just assumed that I would. Some one once commented that my mum 'does nothing, ask her', I'm starting to know how she felt after this.

People are assuming that I'll do things without questioning. I'm learning the importance of the word 'no'.

Thanks to Christine for taking on the organisation of cell this week. Mate, you are an absolute star, I couldn't do this without you!

I also want to say sorry to all the people who are bored of me talking. I think I'm gonna keep pretty quiet for the next couple of weeks. Not talking can be a good thing.

Happy Birthday to Mareike! No longer a teenager, Much love to you!

Ok, Ok.

Yes, I am not doing my essay, but we all need a bit of chill time.

I promised Chris that I wouldn't spend all afternoon on the net, and so far I've been sitting here for 1/2 hour thinking about my essay and reading other people's blogs.

I know the last post makes it look like I have no time at all, but I figured that I'd try and write anyway seeing as quite a lot has happened.

We've had Rock Solid (which was mental, especially since we had a few new kids, taking a mini bus to Hart Lane is great). Then the filmathon, I think I saw about 4 movies all the way through! I was exhausted and the line up did include such classics as Uncle Buck (I went home and had a bath) and the Italian Job (which I just didn't want to watch. I have slept a surprising amount this weekend already.

I did most of my christmas shopping yesterday too. Wanyes World didn't draw Miriam and I in, so we left. So I can say I've started it and not be lying! I don't even know how much I have left.

Then I went to bed at 10.30 and slept til 8, it was wonderful to sleep that long. I don't know when people left my house last night, I was asleep!

Change of subject briefly, they've introduced a 3 strikes system in the Library and computer rooms now, so if you use your phone you get a strike. Your final strike includes your faculty being notified! So the phone is switched off. But it is very obvious that no one is taking notice. We'll see how long it takes to weed out the people who are silly and rude.

Ok, I'm off to do some work!

Its gonna be a long week

I wish I could finish that with weekend and not week, but here goes.

This week starts with Rock Solid (final one of term, promises to be mental) and 24 hours of movies.

We then move on to Sunday, where I have to start an essay. If I don’t I’ll be doing 2 essays in my final week. Not a good idea!

Monday is essay writing.

Tuesday is the Chaplaincy Day Away; all volunteers are going, but not me. I have to stay behind and finish the essay, sing in the Foyer, have a committee meeting, and a mission meeting. Then small groups and writing the challenge for the CU social.

Wednesday consists of Lectures, singing in the Foyer again and choir practice. Then Cell.

Thursday is Carol Service day. Only God knows how this one is going to turn out. My Dad is coming and I can imagine that ½ of Luton will be there. Slightly scared.

Friday, the SU is opening its new entrance at 12; someone from the CU should probably go. I’m also setting up 9 hours of over-night prayer.

Saturday I’m clearing the prayer room and starting my next essay.

Joy! I love being busy, but I hope it doesn’t make me ill.

We had the AGM for CU last night, and made open mockery of the Democratic way the SU runs. Voting should be non-existent in the Christian world; we view leadership as God’s calling. So we ‘voted’ unanimously for the people already in office. Gavin’s face was a picture. Our actions gave evidence to us being in the world, but not of it.

Yeay for the witness that is CU!

Feminist?

So may be not the most intriguing title, but I've been thinking over the past few hours, does my constant dig at boys make me a feminist?

Yes, I know I was saying the other day about becoming a wife, but it has been brought to my attention that I'm on the war path when ever a boy opens his mouth.

I need to stop, although it would be under the advice of a boy (this comes from the boy who was beating me with a cushion and punching me last night, I can hold my own, don't worry).

Does the lack of equality in society shape my words?

Again and again we are told about the not-so-balanced 'balance' between men and women in western society. Men still do less housework, but women still manage to get to work and raise a family. We still live in a male-dominated society, however small the majority.

I don't know why I react like I do, but by the grace of God, who made man and woman in His own image, I think my war path will have to slowly become a path towards God.

"If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all" - All counts towards a very quiet person!

On a different note: the chaplain is having a bad time right now. The Islamic society have decided to petition against the way they are treated in the University, with their main focus being the lack of room in the Chaplaincy for them.

It remains to be seen how this will be solved, but all I can say is, God Bless them. What ever they want to do, I just pray that it won't make the chaplain feel more rubbish.

They do seem a little lazy, getting a petition, rather than finding another room, but they've never really had any (aired) objection to changing room on an irregular basis and during Ramadan. Have a look at this, Muslims in Britain, see what you think.

Finally, all the assignments are getting done, slowly. I have two essays and 1 presentation left before Christmas. Luckily enough, I remain relatively unstressed. I think the singing has calmed me down.

What's going on...?

I got called into work today, to help out with a taster day for a school. This involves a tour and 2 lectures. Boring! I'm writing in the second lecture about accounting, bored. Luckily enough I’m being paid over £5 an hour.

Last night was good. Dinner was cooked for me and I managed to survive the conversation I had. Funnily enough, the boy is totally oblivious to other people talking. I think people probably understand that friendship is a unique thing between two people, what they don't get is how it can mean nothing on other levels. After the conversation I decided that I'm ok with how it turned out. I'm not going to pursue it any more, seeing as the boy thought there was no need for it in the first place. No more questions, ok?

So having survived that conversation, I didn't do any work. I just watched a movie, consoled a friend and tried on my outfit for the carol service. Gorgeous!

The Bible study we did looked at Naomi, and briefly at the good wife in Proverbs 31. Have realised that however much I try, God will be the one to give me strength, it not my choice if I'm a wife at all!

Avoidance Tactics

These were in use an awful lot last night.

The classic, of just not talking to each other, ruled.

The thing is we have a lot to say, but not a way of starting to say it. The saddest thing is unless we talk, we don't move on.

When I tell people I'm a psychology student, after them asking if I can read their mind, they go on to ask me to analyse their behaviour. I've worked on a get out clause for this over the last two years. Most people have their arms crossed, a sure sign that they don't actually want you to analyse them at all. Easy.

So I don't do it. I've stopped consciously people watching. Its making my brain explode.

I talked to God about everything yesterday, just to let him know how I feel.

It makes me really happy to know that Jesus is there standing in between me and God right now. I'm angry and annoyed that things aren't going MY way right now.

Before you tell me off, I know that this is exactly not the way I should be feeling.

I SHOULD be all ready to give everything up to God and let him take control.

I wish I could. I want to let go of whatever it is, but I can't find it.

Yes, God's talking to me, He's urging me to release whatever it is, but I have no clue how to let go.

Suffice to say, I don't have a high level of concentration right now.

Getting hooked

Yes I know, I write all the time. Not as obsessive as some, but not as little as others. I can say that I am hooked.

But is it hooked on talking about myself and what I do or hooked on the idea that I can tell the world how I feel and not have any consequences?

Interesting.

Another thing I happen to be hooked on is Youth Work. For those of you who don't know, I work at St Mary's in Luton with the 11-14's age range. I have to tell you now its the most enjoyable thing, and its so exhausting!

Last night we went to Activity World. It was great. We took 45 youth and 7 leaders. The exception for this time was us taking a coach! It was rather impressive and Charlie didn't ever have to read the riot act! I can't believe that we managed to fill so many spaces.

The best thing about it was meeting all the friends of the current TGI's and getting to know some better. So much fun! Although I now feel really tired and I have a dissertation deadline this week. So I have to go and do work, but I can't do the work until my dissertation supervisor emails me the articles, which she is yet to do.

Dad has a blog now. As I am his daughter I do have the right to say, this could be interesting. I also know for a fact that my Mum is now internet literate, so keep it clean ladies and gentlemen.

When actions speak louder than words, and get you in trouble...

Yes, I'm in trouble, for the way I act.

My personality in general is a flirty one. Its what I've learnt and how I come across some times.

The problem comes when it is taken to literally and some one misinterprets you.

Unfortunately, my brain only catches up 10 seconds after something has been done, so then I regret it. I need to work this out. Any ideas?

When words speak louder than actions...

Text messages are a funny thing. I sent a really blunt text to Chris last night without reading it out loud. Then she told me to watch what I say, because the text sounded really dodgy! Whoops. I need to stop this too.

I was reading a Psalm 86 last night. v 11-13:

Teach me your way, O LORD ,
and I will walk in your truth;
give me an undivided heart,
that I may fear your name.
I will praise you, O Lord my God,
with all my heart;
I will glorify your name forever.
For great is your love toward me;
you have delivered me from the depths of the grave.

God has spoken to me and I cry out for help from him. All these things will be solved through Him.

Lots to say

Well, I guess I do, lots has happened in the last few days.

I've had various conversations that have led me to believe that I will never get a boy, let alone the boy. But, hey, I'll get over it. I'm an adult, I can cope.

Work is being really silly right now, there are never enough people to do the work no one wants to do, so I end up doing all of it. I don't want to keep ringing schools who have no idea who I am about something they don't want. Very silly.

Grandad has gone for a second opinion in London at the Royal Marden Hospital, his appointment is on Tuesday. As normal, Nan is not impressed. She doesn't like the idea of Grandad being an experiment (or the propect of a failed experiment). So off they trek to London. We'll still be praying for them.

With Christmas slowly creeping up (1 calendar month left), Mum asked me for a christmas list. I think I'm only asking for a few things:

• CD's (Daniel Bedingfield, Westlife, various others that escape my mind right now)
• A desk for my room at uni. (I'm fed up of working on my lap and I don't think getting RSI will be helpful when writing 10,000 words)
• A USB stick, so I can save the 10,000 words
• Money - as always

Not an extensive list, as my brain has suddenly remembered that I have loads of work to do and can't possible think about Christmas for longer than 2 seconds. The University Christmas Carol Service is on the 9th and by way of God, I'm doing a solo! Please pray for me!

We've planned all the CU stuff up until the Mission in April next year. Scared, very scared.

I left my phone at home today, this should be an interesting few hours. Although I don't know the time, I feel free from it. Enforced sacrifce, otherwise known as forgetfulness!

Something exciting!

I know this is a little sad, but I feel like I have to share with you, I'm a published writer! He he! Have a look:

Summer Breaks

Ok, so it's a little disjointed and I wrote it thinking it would disappear in to oblivion. Its there (I'm gonna email the webmaster, who is my friend I'm not a stalker, to find out what part two is!), take a look.

Anyway...

Moving on: This weekend has been one of great interest. Seeing Liz was great, getting to spend time with her was fun. Will expand no more, for fear of having a smack round the face as a christmas present! Her news to tell.

I also had a great time with my friends. My Luton family, you guys and girls are great! I'm starting to see where everyone fits it, and its a great help.

I finally have older brothers and sisters (most of whom echo my parents, but thats how I sound to my little brothers!), more parents than I can imagine and more little brothers and sisters, mostly in the shape of TGI's! Lovely bunch.

One of the reasons I recognised God in my life was because I recognised the Church as a world wide family, getting a glimpse of the big picture, amazing!

The other thing I love about God is the random and unexpected encouragement you can get and give.

Much love!

Silly Library!

So went to do the whole photocopying thing this afternoon, only to find that the chapter I want to photocopy has been ripped out of the book.

I'm praying for that person! And I will forgive them... eventually.

Rather excited now, gonna spend a weekend with Liz and getting to see her is always fun. I think.

I've had word that she's going to be winding me up about certain things. Sisters!

Oh, I found a great stress reliever, talk to some one you know whilst wearing mittens. Most of you will know about my mittens and how I talk when I'm wearing them. Its so funny. The other thing is messing up a boys hair, any boy will do, this is also very funny!

Turns out I had no need for a boy hug in the end, I just needed to talk to someone about all the stuff.

The report isn't done but I think I'll hand it in on monday when I've completed it.

This all sounds like too much hard work...

What does, I hear you cry?

Well actually I'm the one crying, I've got a report due next week, its the hardest thing ever, I've got loads of reading to do for dissertation, my diary is starting to get heavy from the amount of ink in it and my life at home is slowly but surely falling down around my family's ears.

I need a big hug. Not just from God, but from the boy. I know, the question is, 'how can this be helpful at such a time?' the answer is, 'let me have my little things and by God's amazing grace I shall cope'.

For those of you who don't know, I found out last night that my grandad's cancer is incurable. He's gonna start treatment soon. There's not much more I can say. I have nothing to say. Apart from thankyou to everyone around me. For the support and the shut mouths.

I thank God too. There is nothing more I can do. I'm moving in all God's might right now. I got up because of God and I'll survive this weekend because of God. Prayer and praise through the suffering, a few months ago my suffering was little compared to others, I guess in a way it still is, but I'm feeling it in my heart.

Put on a happy face and off to a boring and unhelpful lecture (which would be any subject that isn't about how to cure the incurable)!

Away

Well, having got back from my weekend away (at Southport on Youthwork the conference), I can say that I've learnt alot and have a lot to learn.

God spoke to me.

"Karen, Karen, you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her." Luke 10:41-42

So, I know I need to stop worrying, but I'm now happy to let it all go. Yes, occasionally I will be stressed, but now I'm all up for avoiding burnout. The courage to say "no".

Apologies to those who I had text conversations with after vowing to turn off my phone, I guess being a people (nosy?) person has its downsides!

Looking without seeing

Well there’s not much more I can say. Some one was surprised that I hadn’t said anything all week. People, I’m proper busy right now.

Anyway… moving on slightly. I realised that I spend a lot of my time complaining, so instead I'll tell you some thing. Last night something really amazing happened.

My prayers were answered. I have had a lot of clouded thoughts recently over some situations. Yesterday was a really good day but I couldn't put my finger on why.

Then as i was sitting in bed, I decided to turn to my Bible. I'm currently studying the Unseen part of life, so i was looking at 2 Kings 6: 8-17, where Elisha asks God to open the eyes of his servant.

Little did I know that as I was reading, my prayer had been answered. Instead of praying for my eyes to be opened I ended up spending time praising God for opening my eyes!

How amazing?

It just shows that you can look without seeing.


Aside from that (which is huge, I've been praying for 6 months), I'm great. Busy but there's not really much I can do about it. I've got a meeting with my dissertation supervisor in 8 minutes and I'm doing a presentation on Youth Justice at 3.45pm. Then I am off to the YouthWork Conference, yeay for learning (I do get to see my Dad, which is an added bonus, and he won't be so stressed)!

So, to recap (in practice for concluding presentation),
I have had an answer to prayer,
I'm so busy that I have to spend some time prioritising (there's a christmas present list to be written soon, must not forget),
I'm going away (and I'm switching my phone off),
And my brain is now unclouded!

PRAISE THE LORD!!!!!!!!

Sunday Lunch

Yet again I've had a great weekend.

Thankyou to everyone who helped out, and for those who hindered the process slightly, without whom we would not have laughed.

I still love serving people. Although totaly drained and not looking forward to getting back to work.

I realised that my problems may be around for a while and I'm just gonna have to cope. End of story.

I was in the office today, staring at a poster that says 'My life would be empty with out stress'. True, too true. 1 presentation, 1 to go. Off to search the library again.

Still

Still.
Still here.
Still thinking.
Still working.

Yes, you join me at the calm before the storm.
My house is hosting dinner before fireworks tonight and lunch tomorrow after noon.

Two very busy events withing 24 hours. For me that means theres a lot of clearing to be done. I'm looking forward to it though.

You'll be happy to know that I've written at least 1 of the presentations I have to do next week and if I could find the books for the one on friday I would be dong the work, but no. The silly library is rubbish. No books, anywhere. I'm just ready to email my lecturer.

Was thinking about how everything seems to become very quiet in the rain when someone beeped their horn! Maybe not so quiet, eh?

I'm staring at St Marys clock, as I so regularly do, and have noted that it says 11.30 still. They've nearly finished cleaning the tower, but no-one has remembered to set the clock. Sort it out!

So the fireworks tonight, something I can say I am looking forward to. With one little problem: felt rather lonely this morning (yes it was this morning, i'm not that lazy) when I woke up. I think, yet again, I have over-romanticsied this evening in my head. Blergh. Girls you understand, right?

Feeling the need

The need to say stuff that some people may not like.

I think I have to first address the current issue: the re-election of Mr Bush. I think I can turly say that after many silly things done in the last four years, this is the silliest.

Why re-elcet this man? Have the small words he uses been covering the big mistakes he's made? I think the US people can officially be defined as 'the blind leading the blind'. I don't understand politics at the best of times, but I can see the bad decision thats just been made.

Secondly I ask the question:
If someone asks you something and their life depends on the answer, would you try your hardest to scrape together an answer?

Many people would say yes.

This did not occur to the people who are currently dealing with my granddad. They have no idea what is going on in his body, not even an indication. My mum said that the consultant had no clue what he was talking about and they have to go in to London for a second opinion.

What do we as a country strive for? Mr Blair's reaction would make me assume we live to please. What was the consultant thinking about when he was talking to my Nan and Granddad, his lunch? The queues? More than likely.

I cried again.
I cried because its out of control.
I cried because people are asking me questions that I can't answer.


I've been challenged to listen to God. I'm doing a talk on it on Sunday morning. I think I'm gonna go for another walk on Saturday, or I'll spend the day at home thinking about how dirty my house is.

I'm listening to God. I'm gonna attempt to listen in the right place.

I'd like to thank the people I've eaten with in the last week. For their support and ideas. For the challenges and helpful comments. I love everyone of you.

Choose the light

So St Marys started its new series on different movies last night, with Lord of The Rings.

Can't say I was that enthralled by the actually movie, but the message was very good. We talk constantly about the difference between dark and light and the fight that exsists in the world. People are starting to think.

It was very reassuring yesterday morning when I heard one young person actually contemplating what it meant to live in the light.

Yesterday evening was all good until the end of the service when a lot of stuff hit me. I'm still crying loads.

It suddenly struck me that its ok for me to be an emotional wreck right now, I have full reason, so I lived up to it for a full five minutes!

Crying can be such a release, and not just for girls!

I feel a lot better now, I'll be ok.

What A Difference A Day Makes

Just 24 hours ago I was probably on a tube somewhere in the middle of London.

I loved the tube chase by all accounts. We had a few incidents and a minor disagreement about the most expensive thing in Harrods, but all round the girls in my group were pretty happy to indulge in my need to look at beautiful dresses, my slight competitive streak and my photography of random things.

What they didn't like was London speed. We got to 4 of the 5 stops and made it back with 10 mins to spare (always on time!). The reason we only did 4 stops is the speed we traveled at. I'm quite happy to walk fast around London, its a matter of keeping up with the crowds, but yesterday's crowds were all tourists and 1/2 term parents. Stopping in the middle of a path to 'aww' at big ben doesn't really make me any less stressed. Stop at the side of the path, not in my way (not that I don't like tourists, but living so close to London makes me see it as just a town).

So we came 3rd, Charlies group (the person who wrote the quiz) came 1st. I think you may all want to join me in a chorus of 'FIX'!

Then standing on the station, ready to go, I got a phone call from home.

Thinking I was going to be asked a question I was all cheery. Then my Mum told me that my Granddad is ill and has to have treatment.

What a difference a day makes....

I switched off, Charlie was trying to tell my something about the trains and I totally missed everything. I couldn't grasp it. So I changed in to 'up beat and happy' youth worker and got people on trains, knowing full well that sadness turns in to anger.

In the end I channeled my self and stood waiting to see Chris and her group on to the train. The last boys group were late, we left with out them.


I've cried, I've cried lots.

I'm just about to head off to a park and enjoy the light, before the darkest night of the year.

Sigh

Blergh! Stuck in a rut. Blergh!

Don't know what to do or how to get out of my sistuation. Doing alot of praying right now.

Seem to be constantly aware of who I talk to and where I go.

It was definitely alot easier for early christians to evangelise!

Help me God! Whatever I need to do, wherever I need to go, send me there. I don't want to be stuck.

Oh Ok...

Wow, its been a weird day. I cried this mornig over a picture. Someone left a picture in my diary of Jesus holding me as a small child. I just cried for a few mintues before making my way to start my day. The whole of the last weekend has been great. I've spent so much time with my friends. It was really wonderful. The tears were relief maybe, or just an acknowledgement that I can't do everything by myself and I need to find time to relax. I have to realise this over and over again, I'm sure I'll learn eventually!

I've had Psalm 145 v 8 going around in my head for several weeks and I had to ask for clarity (So "Gotta Get Thru This" is playing!) as to what it means for my life. There was too much going on in my head today and I couldn't even describe it to the chaplain.

I've had to decline a shopping trip to MK because I have two presentations to write and not enough time. Tragic I know, but I think I'm still working off the last 3 (intentional) shopping trips.

Many people noticed the change in my personality today because I'm having a hard time with the amount of complaining I do.

The Bible calls us to live our lives without complaining. But it's become a bad habit. I open my mouth and I tend to complain. I can talk up alot of stuff, but I find it hard to be positive without the negative coming out too.

I've got a case of "it's great but..." There are several things in my life I can't complain about but still manage to find something to say!.

I have a roof over my head, I live with 3 great friends, loads of people who care about me and value me, my family and food (pretty much an endless supply of biscuits and hot chocolate at least). God has provided so well for me and at the moment I find myself focussed on short term goals.

Again I recall Psalm 145 v 8 "The LORD is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love". I'm working through what it means, but right now I can see that God has given me what I need because he love me. He provides richly and I should respond in a way that is more like him. I should aim to be gracious and compassionate in all I do.

"Slow to anger" reminds me of how I feel about my family right now and how I feel about my house. I'm annoyed at the littlest things and there is really no need. My little brother is away right now and all I can really do is wait and pray for him. I would like him to go into a worship ministry, but I think he has other plans. I need to encourage him to open the door.

I've also been challenged about having all the answers, and how I actually don't. Some times the more mature person will own up to not knowing. I have this problem with one person in particular, but now I'v realised I just need to be encouraging that person to find the right path towards the answer. I hope that this week i can put my practical abilities in to action.

I want to grow in God and I think gaining wisdom, and not knowledge, is part of that.

Its the weekend!

Well, it will be once I've done the Youth Justice Lecture.

I'm looking forward to this one. I get to spend some time with the youth tonight. The St Marys Youth is a very mixed bunch, but they are great. Don't think I'd enjoy Luton with out them. I dunno how much running around tonight will involve, but we haven't had a Friday night for a while, so hopefully a lot. I've got a lot of pent up worry that I could do with a bit of escapism!

Then on Saturday I plan to do nothing for the first 18 hours. By which point some girls will start arriving and much to the dismay of the boys in the house the lambrini (Essex!) will come out and we're gonna laugh/cry at Titanic, and admire Romeo. Yeay for a girlie night in.

Followed by a creative worship session in the morning on Sunday. I dunno what Sunday daytime holds yet, but I'm hoping I'll get some quality time with some people or I may just ring my dad and enquire how the car looks (and cry again, maybe).

Just have to make you aware of the people around you. Look around for a mintue next time you are in a shopping centre or the like. I'm in the IT suite at Uni and I'm surrounded but loads of cultures. It's great and I love the mix in Luton. God's creation, and some of them don't even know it. Maybe I shouldn't be just sitting here, but I don't think proclaiming the Gospel whilst standing on a table will go down too well!

Anyway, small up date on dissertation, I've started reading, under the advice that if I do and I'm told that I didn't need to then I can just as easily forget it. There are enough hours in the day to read articles and get a general jist, no need to detail just yet. Still haven't met the supervisior, may talk to the other lady today.

Have a great weekend everyone. Enjoy it while it lasts!

Working through the pain for the joy

That's the pain of a headache, nothing more, nothing less. I'm being really old at the moment. But that's because I saw Delirious? at Bletchley Leisure Centre last night. And I'd have to say I'm very amazed!

Chris and I managed to be first in the queue, an achievement I think, seeing as we then got to choose our spot on the front row (which was very far away from the loud annoying youth group that insisted on shouting at every opportunity - we were in the queue still in the queue at this point). So there we stood, through Taylor Sorensen (two man band, very impressive even after a string broke) and Rock 'n' Roll Worship Circus (amazing, very stylish), then on come Delirious? Having not really heard much of world service I found it very easy to part-take in the songs. I didn't think I'd ever love the fact that what they write is so catchy! It was great fun and I really felt like I was talking to God.

Then we get to a classic part of any show where the oldies come out. So we had the Happy song, history maker, I could sing... and various others. This is where the worship part of me really kicked in. I loved it. All the time spent just praying to God through the music. History Maker struck a cord with me, I'd never really thought about the promise behind that song until last night. Can I really say 'I'm gonna be a history maker in this land?' or am I just singing because I know the words? I changed them, 'I wanna be a history maker, help me'. We know the score when we make requests to God, he'll answer them. We were asked to name a dream in cell leaders training a week ago, and I said (as a bit of an after thought) that I wanted to make a difference after I graduate. Now I'm gonna ask God to help me be a history maker!

One thing that I most dislike about concerts is the idea that you have to clap after every song. There were no really quiet bits last night, and the over-excited youth group just clapped at everything. I do understand, and they'll grow out of it, I just hope that they grow out of it somewhere far away from me.

Left the lei-sure (Rock 'n' roll worship circus are american, theres not much we can do!) centre, felt really happy and I was really enjoying chatting to the guys from my local church. They had an excellent time and the bus trip home was more hyper-active than the whole night, maybe that's where the headache came from?

Not doing much.

Not anything in particular, but do you ever get one of those days where you feel like you could be so much more busy than you actually are?

It felt like that today, I still haven't met my dissertation supervisor and I'm rather annoyed that I still can't start working on it. I have no idea how much work I need to do. I think I'll sort that out tonight after I've got in and sorted out my house. I'm quite distressed on the inside thinking about everything I have to do, but on the outside (frustratingly), I'm ok. I'll deal with it later. Have a morning to my self tomorrow, so I'll sort it.

Confusing...

... a word I would use to descibe boys. I found in the last few years that Boys are just as confusing as girls if not more so. I have incredible trouble trying to sort out my own head!

My advice to all the girls out there: (well I'd love to help, but then I'd be an expert and I'm blatantly not). I may be a psychologist at heart, bbut my heart can definitely not deal with boys right now.

I'm in that lovely little space called 'single'. Its great, I'm glad God has put me here for the last couple of years, but what I have discovered is that this doesn't stop the constant talk about love and life. I complained a while ago about people talking about my love life and someone said (very wisely) 'which love life? you don't have one' He had made a very profound point. So I'm back in the space I was a few weeks ago where I have no need to worry about it and although I maybe very confused at the moment I can rest in the knowledge that God is looking after me and all the confusing boys and I no longer need to feel confused.

I think I'll just float in the river for a bit.

Home

Well, here I am on my weekend off. First proper one in 5 weeks. I don't have to do anything this weekend so I've returned to Essex to meet my 6th God-sibling (I dunno if thats the correct terminology). Yes my parents will have 6 God chilren by Sunday afternoon, with their own children and various neices and nephews that makes 17 children they could be parents to (Ok, 5 of them are over 16 and 1 is yet to be born). Still pretty impressive I'd say. To be looked up to as to be the first consideration for God-parents is such and honour. I don't know how I'd react to being asked about being a God-parent, but I guess I have to actually know people who have children before that's ever gonna happen! Whoops I've got to stop thinking about the future in so much detail! Sorry to any one who I've just scared.

Anyway... glossing over that and looking back on a rainy week, I've had a good one. I've tried on many of my outfits this week, as well as leader and organiser, I have been giving advice and calming down arguments. This week has been a bit up and down emotionally (although if you read these then you'll realise that actually I just go through up and downs as part of life). God's really come into my life and helped me over come one fundamental problem that I had at the beginning of the week: I can now worship God through just the words. Its great to mean what you say. (James 5:12)



Just a quick request, if any one knows of a decent lyrics search engine (christian and pretty up to date) can they let me know? Thanks

Wet

So simply titled.

My shoes leak, my jeans are pretending to be a sponge and my bag (oh so helpfully) isn't water proof. I'm wet! Yes its God's creation and yes we need it, but just feeling like it's never ending.

I found out who I'm gonna have as a supervisor and its not as great as I had first imagined, I'm not being over-seen by the youth justice module co-ordinator! Boo!

Letting you know...

Hey,

Feeling in awe of God at the mo. Some times we take God for granted, and then it hits you...
His amazing power and greatness shines through a situation.

I've been spending alot of time in the past few days thinking about my life and how it could or could not progress. Time and time again two wordsds have come up: wisdom and trust. I know that God'll give me wisdom many times through my life, and sometimes only hindsight will give you recognition of that wisdom. But you have to have trusted God before you even get that wisdom.

"'I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" Jeremiah 29:11

I look around and I recognise God in so many of my friends. In their kindness, generosity and the way they use the gifts God has given them (this is a small selection). I can only pray that my relationship with God gets closer everyday and that I start to shine brighter.

Was chatting about feeling underappreciated a few days ago and forgot what a massive priviledge it is to be part of God BIG plan.

I'm forgiven

Have used the same analogy a few times recently and I want you to think about it to.

How do you view Gods love and the cross? Are you a small child who's just received a bar of chocolate and is so excited that they jump up and down? Or are you an adult (and learned person) who views it as 'just another bar of chocolate'?

Heres the challenge: become a child of God.
Be so excited about what the cross did for you, that you can't help sharing it. Engage with God and find the relevence. Its no good thinking God hasn't shown me something recently if you've shut your eyes! We find forgiveness, love and life eternal in Jesus, because he was put on a cross to die for your sin (and mine).

Psalm 103: 11-13
For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;
as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
As a father has compassion on his children,
so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him

These verses mean so much to me, I'm glad and I praise God that my sin is immeasurably far away from me!

Why bother?

Was just thinking about stuff whilst I sat in a cafe eating the best jacket potato in town. I should probably have been working on my dissertation and actually doing some work, but hey, what can you do?

Anyway, the last 24 hours has been eventful. Stuff has happened and I think I should probably stop worrying so much about things I have no control over. Here's my little question for tody: 'Do you worry about the lectures you don't attend, that aren't on your course?'

Simple answer 'NO'. Now you could say that you might worry about them if your friends were involved, but only if. At this university there are more classes a week than I care to count, I don't worry about them at all, only the 4 modules I'm on. So whilst I was sitting drifting away thinking about my life, i was also thinking, should I really be bothered about one particular area of my life that doesn't exist yet. Many of you will have cottoned on that I'm talking about Love. Yes I have love in my life, but I should be more bothered about my parents and family (my little brother chrashed the car again) and my friends. Whats the point in worrying about boys if I'm not actually involoved. as far as the rest of the world is concerned I should be, but Jesus says:

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:34

Yeh I need to concentrate on getting to and listening in my lecture (10mins and 4 flights of stairs away), not who I might be interested in. How selfish am I?

Here Am I

You lucky people, not only do you get two posts today, you also get some of my insight into my world.

I'm slightly bored now. I would have had 4 hours today, but the lovely lecturer gave us an hour off 'to ease us in'. Cheers mate!

Just been chatting to two very good friends of mine about a certain situation I seem to constantly find myself in nowadays. Again we head back toward the misinterpreting that I do and have had done to me. I'd also like to draw your attention to the current debate that is running around my circle of friends 'Can you tell a member of the opposite sex you love them with out them freaking out?'. Yes people, we are debating about the love that God gives us for our friends and the appropriate ways to share it. Post your thoughts.
Is it a good or a bad thing for boys and girls in Christian circles to say 'I love you' on a regular basis without it being totally freaky. I love my female friends more than ever right now, they support me and can tell when I'm feeling down. Its the same for my male friends, but I have never put on a serious face and said 'I love you'. I fear it because of the ever ambiguous word that Love is.

Oh well. Theres a debate that may only end when we start using greek words for love and not just love.

Back to the current moment. Feeling a little hungry, feeling alot happy. Same job, brother is free (thanks be to the Almighty God and the power of truth, be honest!) and although only 1/2 the day is gone it looks like its gonna be really good. I talked a lot recently about stuggling for the joy. From where I am the only thing I can struggle with is waiting. The joy seems to be taking up a large amount of time at the moment. The waiting (see The BIG decision) is gonna be hard, but now I think God's gonna keep me in Luton I can probably hold on a little bit longer. Somebody said to me I have the rest of my life to do 'stuff', why do I need to rush it all now. The only thing I really have to be urgent about is getting people to believe in God (and doing my dissertation). Too many people NOT going to heaven right now. Had one verse come up a few times:

"He told them, "The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field." Luke 10v2

Think about it!

Surreal

I was gonna write something really good and objective about how I feel, but considering whats just happened I don't think I can. I'm not gonna let you know, purely because it is on a need to know basis. Don't feel out of touch with my life, but if you hear, you'll hear.

On a good note, my little brother had the charges dropped against him and got a way with a slapped wrist for stealing a car. His first offence, they had to get him on something. He doesn't have a criminal record.

I also found out that I got a job. Definitely for this year, but maybe for the next year too. I think I'm gonna go for it and maybe defer my year out for another year. Any advice would be great. This means I'd be staying in Luton for another year. Believe it or not, I really am excited about it. I do wanna stay. I'll let you know on the progress of my life. I'm off to the Policing lecture.

Have a great day, I don't think it could ever be any more surreal than whats just happened to me.

In defence of Luton...

Yes, its true, I live in the crappiest town in the counrty. Oh dear, I guess I'd better move out... What a defeatist attitude! If I was given a million pounds I wouldn't move out of Luton, I'd invest it in the town, making it a better place to live. I am of course acknowledging that Luton isn't the best place in the country, but don't you have to do that to make it better?

To all those who just automatically assume that Luton is a bad place, come and live here for a year, you'll soon see different. The small minority of people who have a passion for this town are changing it slowly. God is using Luton as the centre for the start of many good peices of work. Lets not dicount Luton in Gods plan because 2,000 people have said its the worst thing in England. I challenge those who have lived in Luton for a majority of their lives, have some passion for your home town, stick up for it. And to those who only live here for a few years; the littlest things can make a difference. You are little, MAKE A DIFFERENCE!

Again...

Sitting here thinking through all the things that have gone on in the last few days. You may think I have nothing to add within 24 hours of my last post, but God does amazing things, and I can't spend enough time talking to him or about him.

The simple fact is: God is amazing.

I can't get my head round how much he's done for me or my friends over the summer and in the last week. Its all good at the moment and the only thing I can complain about is not getting enough sleep! But fear not, with 6 hours until our first Freshers-focused talk, I am about to head home and get some kip!

Those of you who can; please pray that we will be able to contact AND follow up freshers.

One of THOSE weekends

You know the ones I mean, everyday is pretty good and you just don't want to go back to work! Last weekend was that. I had a great day on Friday and Saturday, spent time with friends, led the youth group and had a day off. Couldn't ask for anything more. I spent loads of time chatting to God and making things all good. Sunday was also pretty brilliant.

Morning Church had its ups and downs, the ups included seeing the youth group actually writing prayers to God and listening to the leader of the group. The downs came when the church had to say good bye to a team of leaders known as the Lomax Family. In a year the team at my church has gone from 6 to 2! Please pray for us, we're going through a transistion time and out Vicar is finding it hard.

Then Sunday evening comes round a lot quicker than I ever expected it to. We had a BBQ for all the Luton Uni freshers and some of the staff. We ran out of food too quickly but we had a crack team on the case to get more. Every one was fed and alot of people made it into the service. Which was amazing, for those of you who already lead in churches, watch out, your teaching has been so good the new generation is rising up and about to 'out passion' you! For the people who are looking into leading their church, keep going, you are doing an amazing job and God is with you! All those who are sitting in their congregation thinking 'I could never lead, but I want to try' - Give it a go, what have you got to lose? After the service was even better, having spent my whole day serving people I took the opportunity to be served. I've had a lot of fun this weekend I don't want to start lectures!

Enough about the past, many of you maybe screaming, what about the future? My future is laid in Gods hands and I'm pretty happy to leave it there for now. The boy situation is also very good. More than happy.

Have a question though:
'Why is there a stigma attched to young marriage (where one of the two is under 24)?'
I don't get it! Some one told me the other day I was not allowed to feel broody at 20. My argument back was really weak, so I won't tell you, but I just don't understand. Are we a culture so ingrained with teeenage pregnacies and peadophlia that marriage and children by 24 is a problem? Or have we been told by our parents and the media that a career is a good thing, therefore we should put off mariage until late 20's/early 30's? What happened to your career being a housewife? Yes I know it sounds very dated, but if you ask any girl what they'd REALLY like to be, I'm sure house wife would come up a lot more often than your thought. My Mum and Nan were both house wives (my Nan doesn't even know how to drive), why can't I follow in their foot steps?

The BIG decision

Well, its been made. After many agonising hours praying to God and chatting to a set of mates (whom each alone would make me very unhinged, but together they have a balanced opinion) I have made a decision to wait. We all know and realise that Gods timing is very very perfect and I now know there's nothing I can do to change the way He works. I'm waiting on God.

To many this may sound entirely boring and could be compared to sitting waiting for a bus/train/your mum (you know, in the rain after school), but I find it really exciting! I can't describe to you how free of worry I feel. Its amazing and I can get on with feeling like me because I know that when 'it' (this is absolutely ambiguous) happens I'll love the descision that God has for me. How can I not? Its all in his perfect and great plan.

I have been away at a Christian conference, and we had two amazing speakers. Two things that really struck me were the fact that God is your Dad and he can comfort and be with you however loud you cry out and; that we God is with us everyday and if we don't acknowledge that, how rude are we? I learnt loads of things the whole week. I could go on for hours, but one phrase stuck in my mind: 'think of the Joy through the suffering' If you are having a hard time at the moment its because God is teaching you something. I think suffering is the lesson and if we don't review/revise it then how do we ever learn?

Here's the challenge that God lays before us: Worship him in everything you do.
Happiness has nothing to do with this, but you will find joy and delight in the Lord, like he finds joy and delight in you when you do things for his glory. God loves you and theres nothing you can do about it, why not worship him?

Freshers fair, always freshers flu!

Yep, it's been a day since they arrived and the freshers have already passed on the flu! Feeling really rough and can't do anything except take a lot of drugs and stick it out! By the Grace of God I have a whole day off tomorrow. The big bum is I'm really fired up, but I have no energy. I'll be cheering from the sidelines for most of the week. Gods way of making me patient! I love suffering.

Had a brilliant week of training. Wales is the most amazing place. I've learnt a lot and I'm gonna stick by my guns for the next year when talking about God. I will nail my colours to the mast!

Feeling rather lonely at the mo. In need of a big hug from a man. There is always girl hugs, but I find they never totally encompass. I'll be fine though, it's not like they are in short supply!

Leaving!

Well thats it, I'm all packed and ready to leave Essex until such a time as it calls me back. Today I wasn't really looking forward to going, I'd said goodbye to my grandparents (they went on holiday AGAIN!) and I'll not see a large majority of my Essex friends until Christmas now, which means I have to remember to write to them! Then I got a phone call from a Luton person and now I'm rather excited!

So off I go to start my final year at Uni, prayers much appreciated!

(none) Cos thats how I feel

Hrmph! I just wrote something really great and the server crashed! Oh I'm so annoyed with the internet.

Anyway, The long and short of it was that God's got something big for me but I can't peer over his fingers and see because I'm really scared. I'm sitting in his hand at the moment! I'm just thinking about how hard it could be for me over the next year. But also thinking if everthing is in Gods plan then he'll put people around who can help me through it.

I also was talking about running away from God - not a good thing, look at what Jonah went through! Yeah, I'm gonna try not to run away from Gods plan for me and if he asks me to do something I will definitely not be half-hearted about it!

Tripping

No, you are not alowed to get the wrong idea of me! All I mean is I spent yesterday driving my little brother to see his almost-nearly-girlfriend. Those two have spent the last 3 or so years being on and off like... well I can't think of a comparison, but you know what I mean. This time though its different (like all the other times??), he can drive to see her! So that'd be all the money he's saving to buy a car just spent on going to see her. I can understand and see the love between them, but teenage hormones and not seeking God's direction make it really confusing for both of them. All I can do now is pray for them both and pick her up when she wants to come here and he wants to drink. He already knows the way by heart (with a duplicate meaning)!

Of course I was feeling a little out of place for most of yesterday. I was the oldest in the room and I really had no right to be there. I thought about going to find a nice bit of grass to fall asleep on, but then I realised that I could simply concentrate on me for a while and not have to participate in the conversation. For once I was glad to be rather invisible. In hindsight probably should have thought about it a little more as next year is gonna be very busy and me-time will probably be well down the list. Having to rely on God to tell me to have a day off and enjoy his company and no one else's. Failing that I'm sure someone else will tell me!

Discovered last night that I'm no longer allowed to talk about boy in my sister's company. She doesn't like it. I tried to not talk about him so much over the last few weeks, but sometimes its really hard. My friends on the other hand think its cute. I'm still not sure!

To and fro...

... is how I'd describe my summer, then it would have to be 'totally and utterly amazing'! Just a week before I travel back to Luton for the first three months of my final year at Uni, I am reflecting on what has been a busy, wet and God filled 12 weeks. This has been by far, the greatest summer for a while. I have definitely appreciated having a house to go into and chill out in. It amazing how many people I've seen over the last twelve weeks and not intended to see. Like my impromtue trip to Soul in The City and the various one nighters in Luton that have made this summer totally worth while. I'm not saying that I'd rather be in Luton, but I think that following Gods path, direction (two differrent things, I think) and giving into total spontinaity has put me in the right place at the right time. I'm very happy for it!!!

Glad to be heading back to luton and finally being able to answer the 'have you moved in?' question with 'yes!!' To say I'm fed up of explaining myself does my state of mind an injustice! But yeay, back to Luton in a week. No more driving around my little brother, but have to endure the boys next door! It'll be fine... I'll keep telling myself!

Keep an eye out for up dates on the boy situation and feel free to try and pass on some of Gods guidance!!!

What do we do to ourselves?

I have just spent a very long afternoon with one of my best mates in Essex. She's a lovely girl, if a little dizzy and a lightweight. Both of which I don't tend on ever changing. I love her the way she is, but her dizziness does get her into some of the most confusing situations, even if they are just in her head!So we kinda spent the afternoon thinking about what she could do and how exactly she is gonna get herself sorted before uni starts again. This really got me thinking...

... I know its not something I do regularly, but I have actually been challenging myself into changing my view of relationships. Single people around me will testify that everyone is trying to set everyone else up. Whilst on holiday, my lovely group did attempt and fail! It seems to be the past time of those couples who are 'new', other single people and youth leaders, if none of these try, then the youth group is always willing to chip in the odd person or two. Most of the time we singles are subject to innocent banter between mates, which is actually a lot of fun over a few drinks, but the rest of the time modern western match making can be seen as a pretty serious business. Here's where the thinking bit plunges in, why do we do it? Why do we put up with every little smile towards a member of the opposite sex being scruntinised down to the last tooth? Something in me shouts 'not again!' everytime some blokes name is mentioned. I am actually fed up of the comments made and trying to treat men as brothers in Christ is so hard, if the world is insistent that you should fancy everyone that pulls a smile at you.

I'm challenging myself to stop fancying and start loving, loving like I love my little brother.

Home, but not so Alone

You know that feeling when all you can think about is how nice it is to be alone? I've got one of those at the moment. Its very strange going from living in a house by yourself for a couple of days, and coming back to a full family life that seems to have moved on with out you. Things just happen when I'm away and no-one thinks to tell me. Obviously there isn't much I can do about them once they have happened, but I seem to be the last to know. Some events are pretty huge, like my best friend dumping her bloke and finding someone else (in the space of a week) and some are relatively small, like the plumber not coming to fix the bath (its still broke we've been waiting a month). You know, all these types of things that my parents forgot telling me because I have other problems, or they complain because I just don't ask! Oh well. I'll probably have to get used to it as I'm going back to Uni in a couple of weeks and I can't imagine ever being rung up by my mum with some news. I'll always have to ring her!

By the way, feel free to click on the comment button and leave me a note!

He he ha ha!

Ok call me mean, call me what ever you like, the question is, is it wrong to tease your youth group about older members of the congregation? To be honest with you I don't think its too much of a bad idea, especially when a large majority of them have spent the last year or so trying to set you up with every bloke that walked in the door (including one's that were engaged!).

Having spent a great deal of my time in Luton stuggling with self-control and a little bit unrequited love, I feel it only fair to question the intentions of my youth group in a jokey way. I need to know where they stand on relationships in general. There is one girl who I would say has a very mature attitude to the outside world, but boys are still abit of a raw subject with her. Mainly because her older brother is a bit of a magnet, she has to deal with his life, not hers. All very innocently as well. Wish I was still that innocent. But I guess growing up and moving away from home came as part of life.

I'm just thikning about what te next year means for me, this girl and the boy involved. For me it definitely means more growing up, having more adult relationships and proper outlets. Before Uni if I couldn't handle stuff I used to walk away and cry alot. Now I stick at it and only walk away if it's got on top of me. Then I have to shift my focus from the future and graduating to look at doing my dissertation. Yes, for thise who are doing or have done Uni, I'm doing it a little backwards. Thinking about a post-graduate job before I've even started my third & final year. For this girl I guess it means growing into a school and a new found, stronger faith. I know her very well and I hope to know her more in the next year. She said she wanted to share her faith with her school, I hope she does. We'll have her at the front of Church preaching before you know it. If I had to pick some one now to speak at me wedding, she'd be in the selection. And for the boy, well he's a completely different story for starters. I dunno where he is or where he intends to go. I hope that he can talk alot more next year. God is definitely working in him and I can imagine that he'll be alot more involved in Chruch life, from it's very youngest (at least that's what I'm praying).

Ignite

Well, having been back from a week long holiday camp called Ignite, i am totally refreshed and filled with the Holy Spirit to the brim. I can't explain how much God means to me now. I wanna share everyting with everyone!

Over 40 people became Christian's and about 95% of the rest made recommitments to God (thats over 120 people). 23 kids from luton alone all of wich are now on fire for God!This years camp had an amazing maturity about it when it needed too. God moved in that place and in St Marys on the Sunday after. Each leader had learnt something this week and everyone really wants to see everyone again. The bond of a strong family has been created and its known.

I'm praying that God's work is done where thes kids have gone home to. Missing the safe secure world and knowing that I have to work just as hard as the kids to get Jesus' message across. Yeay for high risk youth work.

Ignite Pictures

When, no longer why?

I'm back from my brief trip to Luton for my 4th wedding of this year. It was really good to see everyone again. Turns out I'd made a very good decision to leave when I did, there were two massive crashes on my route inbetween the time where I got to Luton and the time I came back to Billericay. So I had a little bit of extra thinking time whilst in Luton, but as it goes I didn't have anything to do to make me think. I had seen the boy and various other people, but I didn't wanna think about it (it being the future), so instead I danced around my house and took out the rubbish. This took an hour and the traffic had cleared, so I set off back to Essex.

The wedding itself was great. I'd never been to a wedding where the whole congregation was invited to take communion. It had also never occured to me that it may offend some people. The usher looked mighty disappointed when 4 whole rows consecutively decided not to go up. Then it was my rows turn. To say I had been dreading it is a complete lie, I knew that I could walk in my shoes and I knew that I wouldn't trip. I made it to the front, smiled at the new Mr & Mrs and took communion on a Saturday, interesting! I also managed to not look in boy's direction for a great deal of the time. The thing that really worried me was while the pictures were being taken he kept catching my eye. I'm pretty sure he suspects something.

Which leads me on to another Pub conversation that I didn't want to have, in great contrast to last weeks conversation which I had been dying to have. I had to explain the boy to someone. For the first time I went through every last detail of the last 8 months and discovered nothing at all. Something that you may say is unsuccessful, but to the contrary I find it intriguing. I talked for ages about him and I feel really indifferent about everything. Tonight made me realise that I can jazz up the story of my life an awful lot with out any one actually questioning whether its the truth. The world is so corrupt that you can tell one person something and it is likely to get round in a matter of weeks. Obviously this is not true for a large majority of people, but in the company I hold not much stays confidential any more. The indifferent feeling comes from being desensitised by family and unhelpful friends. The girl I told the story to insists that I now do something about my situation, which in fact I'm very happy where I am. I just walked away from the conversation thinking, I know some one who is greater than all this and they will help me deal with it... GOD. He's there for me and he's not pushing me to do anything about this at the moment. I no longer feel a burning need to text or ring him, and I don't need to see him every 10 seconds. He IS my friend above all and I'll see him every 10 days, if I'm lucky. I can't treat him like my boyfriend because he's my brother. God made us both, am I really doing anything to help him by making eyes and passing unhelpful comments? I believe not.

The question that family and friends are asking is now When? When will something happen? With my head screwed on and full of God I'm now asking Why do you need to know?

Post Wedding Number 3 of 2004

Ok, got back from Wedding number 3 a few hours ago, and did I come to some realisation about how I can remedy my situation? No. Did I spend the whole time thinking about the Wedding and the boy? Oh yes! What am I gonna do now. I can hardly concentrate enough to write, let alone hold a conversation with the fittest boy in the congregation. Yes the fittest boy there decided to come and chat to us about life in general and I didn't have the co-ordination to reply to the kiss on the cheek he gave me. Argh!

Anyway, the memory I'll take from this particular wedding is the little kiss the groom gave the bride just after their first kiss as a married couple. He kissed her on the top of her head. Now to those of you who know the psychology of this feel free to 'awww' now. Those who don't, look it up, then 'awww'. This is the third wedding I've been to and that's the sweetest memory, so far. Don't forget there's one tomorrow!

The box

All I can say is, I've put myself in a very tiny box, that exists around me and because of me. My own big mistake is following me around constanly and I can't get out because I'm silly enough to keep the box alive and will everytime I talk about Love.

Thats right, I'm stuck in a Fairy Tale box and the fact that I'm just about to go to two weddings in as many days will do me in! Hopefully I'll go to the first one and have some realisation about whats really going on, but for now, i'll just walk arond in my box.

Thankyou and Goodnight!!

Should I take offence?

Last night was very interesting. For those of you who don't know I spend a large deal of my Monday night in my local, seeing old friends and making deeper friendships with the ones I think I already know. This is only an Essex thing as I got scared off the Luton pub culture by a strange man in a wheel chair blowing kisses at me whilst I stared beyond him to see the boy that blew me off last year. The story is obviously much longer than that and I may choose to indulge myself one day, but there's no point right now. Anyway... back to the pub. Had spent most of the time discussing life as we know it, other peoples problems and solutions. I had dessert again, this isn't a good thing, while I'm in Essex dessert is the thing I disappear into and think of Luton. I always come out the other side thinking about why my ice cream hasn't been eaten. I know the reason, but I know if I share it with my pub companions they'll beat me with a forest, yes its that bad!

Well, not only was last night just that tiny bit different, it was also very enlightening. For some unknown reason (well I came in halfway through the conversation) my half of the table started talking about Christians marrying non-Christians. I only joined in because someone said that no where in the bible did it say Christians should marry Christians and there was no where that it said they shouldn't marry non-Christians. This I know to be untrue, as I happen to have read more than enough relationship books (and I constantly tackle this subject with my conscience and youth group).

The trouble was finding it, and after a large glass of red wine, chocolate cake and a double Tia Maria and coke, it was a little harder than I thought! After searching and giving up to listen to the conversation I re-focused my efforts and there it was 2 Corinthians 6 v14-17. I rudely interrupted the person who had said it didn't exist and read the verses, to a stunned pub audience. After that I spent the rest of the time chatting about infant baptism (don't ask, I've never been entirely sure where I stand on this on) and then back to the question, 'If God gave you a non-Christian to marry would you trust him?' My initial reaction would be yes and my explored reaction would be

'Matthew 7 v10-11 "Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!"'

God knows what I would like and now I don't need to worry because what ever happens God and Jesus are there to guide me and the Holy Spirit gives me words to say. If this question had caused me offence I would have said something, but it wasn't, something entirely different happened after.

At home I was really expecting to carry on the conversation with my sister and when I asked her why she didn't take part in the conversation I was surprised at the answer, she said she'd rather be a Christian friend in a group of mates than spend her chill out time in the pub having a discussion about Christian values and ways of life. I was shocked at the speed at which her argument came out. Should I be offended? At the time I felt really offended and couldn't understand that a thing that is such an important part of my life should just be dismissed so quickly. It left me feeling like I'd gone back to the Sunday Christian thinking, where God is at church and on a Sunday. Yes I can grasp why you may not want to talk about God issues in a pub, but (as cliched as it is) I'm not ashamed of the Gospel. I had waited for that moment for 2 months, we've never talked about God for so long in that pub, usually he's a passing comment. I think God's people talking about God makes them more attractive and lights up their whole being (not just there face). For the first time in ages I actually felt good about being really late home last night.

I guess I'm used to it, about 80% of my friends are Christian in Luton, I don't think I fully appreciated their support and their advice up until now.

Why oh why?

They're doing it again by the way. That silly questioning thing. Yeah, my whole family and all my friends. I didn't turn 20 one second ago and they are all asking me about my future. Hey, guys for a couple of years, could you let me be? I'm not one to complain, I know they all care loads about me and are genuinely interested in where I am in job and relationship status (not in that order though), but i'm really fed up about answering questions when I have my own head to sort out first.

I know I'm gonna have to edit this now if I ever properly publish it!!

Oh the questions!

'I've had questions, without answers
I've known sorrow, I have known pain
But there's one thing, that I'll cling to
You are faithful, Jesus you're true' - Tim Hughes


Well, I can't actually think what has happened over the last month and a half so I'll just go with the most recent events that I can think of.

Last four weeks have been rather exciting, with several trips back to Luton to see new house and work and friends. All happy and moved in. Stuff is gradually accumulating in new house and making it feel homely has so far been my job. Hopefully it'll not be my job in September. I have been there quite a lot attending work and a wedding. Actually have had a really great time being away from the homestead and being Miss independent. Seen a lot of people I never expected to see. Always a good surprise.

One particular event I feel the need to mention was the celebration of my 20th birthday. Spent the morning in Church and the afternoon having a small lunch with 9 friends/people I'm just getting to know (this is not through any fault of my own, our uni holiday dates don't often match up). It was really great. Being away from home and celebrating in a way that shows that I can be adult about birthdays (although I did get rather over excited at getting a coffee machine, addiction here we come, it was the person who gave it to me and the thought that drove me over the edge!). Spending time with those 9 people meant so much to me, they wanted to come and they made the effort to say happy birthday in the morning. It could have been more if I was more organised. Coming home on the same day showed me the contrasts of the two worlds (oh its got a lot bigger than counties in the last few months) that I live in.

Having childish banter constantly, which I have become very reactive too and can no longer hold my own against, is hard. I can't help but fall in to the trap that it creates and always come out the losing party. I can successfully fight my way when the people are my own age, but this just comes across as a 'holier than thou' attitude with my siblings. Take for example my 17 year old brother pouring beer in to my orange juice under my nose, yes it's funny, but it also tastes foul. I failed to see the funny side and refused to drink the juice, Dad offered to get me a pint of water. Couldn't really talk to any one after that, felt like I was gonna explode. Also immediately wanted to be back in Luton. I'm ok now, just wish that Luton mentality can follow me around just a little bit.

That is when I don't follow Luton around. Met boy at a Christian festival in London and was happy to see him for 10 mins. When we eventually spoke he guessed my chosen vocation, which scared me a little. I then had a rational thought about it and I was ok. Found out he's in my network (housegroup/cell) in September and again freaked, the final thing is that he's living next door to me as of the end of August and that pushed me in to strange 'looking into the distance' mode. Had to break out of it on every occasion and spent a large amount of time praying about how I'm gonna cope. But then realised it was fine and God will be there for me as will my many friends, even those who have no clue what's going on (hopefully this includes boy, but I know from past experience that I'm not gonna look to him for advice).

Just had a really massive chat with my Dad and have realised that I do live in two separate places and can deal with both on the same day, just have to remember how to deal with them. Its not helpful that now I have spoken to him I have no clearer idea as to what he thinks of boy and whether it would actually be worth my while to find out an opinion. Probably not,seeing as they've never met and won't do until I introduce them (something that isn't in the near future). Talked about all the 'what ifs...?' that go around in your head when you realise that you like some one. You know what, I've never had this many, I would write them but you'd e bored really easily and I think you've probably been through them as well.

Another thing that has happened which you may find shocking, is the accusation that my brother (17) committed rape a week ago. This is the boy with a spotless reputation with girls and when he wants to be, he can be a real gentleman (the other times he acts well below his age and does silly things). The whole family were really stunned, as were the church. Thank God for both Church families I'm part of. I love them both, for what they did on the day and the support they offered. My little brother is without a doubt innocent and the DNA can prove that, but we still have a tense wait until the case is dropped. Make what you will of the 16 year old girl that accused him. I am not one to judge and all I can pray is that some of Jesus' compassion for the poor (spiritually) can pour from our family on to her.


'What can we say to describe just a glimpse of Your Glory
How can our words portray but a thread of Your Majesty
But still we praise our Savior in Spirit and in Truth
For we cannot say enough about You' - MercyMe

A song that really struck a cord with me and has kept me going.

Essex!!

Just a quickie, as I have managed to fill another day with nothing! It's already the 3rd day back in Essex for a 3 month holiday as such, and my unpacking is 1/3 done. Yes just one third. I have done nothing for 3 days except see friends and shop. I'm looking after the boys again, parents are on holiday. Seriously these children are so spoilt they don't know whats hit them when I come home. My little brothers are nightmares.

I'm going back to Luton for a training day tomorrow I'm so happy. I get to drive, which I love and I see all my friends for dinner. It's gonna be so much fun. The boy will hopefully be there. We're still friends, I'm still confused, we're just bouncing along really.

Been chatting to an old mate recently. My confidence in being single has risen again. I'm great where I am and there's nothing you can do about it!!

Love

Yeah, well I'm still in Essex, spending some time doing an essay that's due in too soon. I have a question, something that I have been meaning to ask you for a while. What happens when you fall in love with some one who you couldn't possibly live with? I know, its a really weird question isn't it. I'm glad that some one invented the question mark, there'd be so much confusion with out it, I mean we'd all have to make statements instead of questions. Ok, was gonna put the example of what would happen if you asked some one to marry you, but that would be exploring the inner (and sometimes quite obvious) workings of my mind, and being a psychologist I don't really wanna go there!

So back to that terribly important question, what happens when you fall in love with some one who you couldn't possibly live with? Truth is, I don't know, I was hoping you'd come up with something helpful. I think it would help if I had a moment of realisation that I couldn't fall for this person and then maybe I'd snap out of the stupid daydreams that mean my essay is 100 words shorter than I'd like it to be. I was typing last night and for some reason the word lonely came up on screen. Did my unconscious suddenly kick in and make me sit up to reality. It was one of those 'smelling the coffee' moments. The person I hope I'm not falling for I happen to be totally comfortable with, in the way we act and the way we speak. We can talk about who he fancies (yes, she's really nice and no, I'm not jealous, if I was my whole world would fall apart) and who I fancy (no not him, we can't do that, not after the previous problems someone else had with that situation : word of advice : don't tell a guy you love him in code, men aren't as stupid as they look!) whilst hugging and leaning on each other. It great to have that person there, but if any one was watching us, and believe me they do, you would think a whole other thing. Which non-couple do you know read the paper together? See, easily mis-interpreted. Some of this stuff I think I'm gonna have to take off paper and put into words to some one else. Not him, or maybe... its the 'will it, won't it be helpful' dilemma!Probably not right now & probably not while the relationship is still growing into what it could be. I think I'll sit back and enjoy the comfort I've found. I'll let him sing to me, but there is no way he's gonna get me playing that guitar!

there's some one else who is on my mind at the moment. A very ex-boyfriend who can't seem to stay on track. Lord knows how hard we've all tried. I know God has him in his hands and he'll not be able to escape, but I'd like to see some fruits to the labour. I'm not gonna get in touch, but I really am gonna try and stay in touch. We'll see, eh? Lots of praying to be done.

Working Holidays

Wahey, not only have I been to and from Luton in the last couple of weeks, but I have also had both Luton and Essex follow me to my working holiday in Skegness, of all places. Yep this year I had my first leadership trip to Spring Harvest (for more details look at Spring Harvest). Watch 11-13's grow in Christ over a week is the most intense thing. The spiritual warfare is so great by the 3rd night we really spent most of our time praying. It was hard to grasp the idea that these children could be the next Church leaders and we had helped sow that seed. The team was amazing and I'm really grateful to everyone who prayer for me and helped out.

As I said, Luton followed me there too. In the shape of some YFC empolyees. I spent most of my free time with one particular one and got to know them really well. I'm gonna miss doing what we did. Its nothing sordid or wrong, but something that you'd definitely miss. I keep thinking about what'll happen when I go back to Luton in a weeks time, hopefully nothing will have changed. I'm just praying that my friendship with this person won't go sour, like it has done with some one else I know.

Hard work

Well, I'm back in rainy old Luton again. I'm glad to be here really. I've done most of my work and I just need to hand it in and do a presentation.

I can't really believe I've only a week and a half til Easter, it seemed so far off but now I'm making arrangements to move back to Essex for 3 weeks and see every one. Something, as you can tell, I'm not looking forward to. I'm really gonna miss Luton and all the people, although a couple of the most important are following me when I go on a Youth work Holiday, and my bestest mate is coming to see me, but don't tell my parents as I haven't asked them yet!! So Luton, much like Essex really is evert where!

Argh!!

Argh!!! So I traveled all the way home to Essex, being the good daughter, to babysit my little brothers and there is no way I can be a mother. They just completely ignored me and expected me to do something close to being their slave. I dunno how my mother copes. The second I got in after a hour and a half drive, the littlest one wanted a lift to his girlfriends and picking up. I know that everyone says this, but I will never let my kids run over me like that. It is totally possible to balance discipline and Love, God does it everyday. Ok, so he is God, and we're all only human, but if you love someone surly that's what you'd do.

Well, I'm back in Essex for the weekend and already madly missing Luton and the things in it, especially the people. It's so hard to realise that there is actually a life outside your own, and it moves on regardless of you most of the time. I miss the Luton people so much right now because I'm so close to them. I can't ever have imagined staying in the same place for the whole of my life, I'd be missing so many opportunities. I'm so happy that I'm missing everyone, as weird as it sounds. God put me in Luton with out a shadow of a doubt and I can be happy I'm missing it because of that. I know I'll be right back in the thick of it in a couple of days time, I just have to see the Essex people first.

I have to tell you the last week has been absolutely amazing, I've really grown close to a couple of people, but it feels so strange to have those people interested in me because of me, and not the other way round, or with ulterior motives. I love it so much. Praise God for all he has done in my life and all the lives surrounding me.

Yeay!

Ha ha!! I'm on, can you believe it? Well, I think that I'll won't mind if this gets seen, but hey you never know. There will always be some one who is reading over your shoulder, especially if your only Internet access is from the uni you moved to just 18 months ago. Which really explains the title of this. I moved from Essex to bedfordshire and I now know the similarities and differences of the world at large. Most people would suggest that both places are rubbish and they don't out weigh each other on the rubbish scale, but I, of course would have to disagree. I love both places with all my heart. The Essex in me cries out that my current place, (oh, I'll give it away, seeing as you'll guess anyway) Luton, isn't all that bad and in many cases it can be better than Essex. My job means that I promote my Uni, and I find myself being openly honest about what I really think. Luton and Essex are really excellent. I know loads of people in both places and I wouldn't exchange the time I've had for the world. Well thats the start... where will it finish?